Do you Ever?

Do you ever miss a friend but you don’t want to tell them because they are probably doing perfectly fine without you? And for them it probably does not even matter. You don’t tell them because you don’t want them to think you’re annoying or needy. 

"Do you ever feel like you said too much? I did. I already shared too much, I already said too much. And I want all my secrets back now. I hate getting close to people these days. I always end up caring too much, sharing too much, doing too much, feeling too much."
- She thought. 

There

Some things in life – “Said so easily, but hard to do.”
What I want to do is refresh my mind. All I want is to clear all my problems and just have fun living. I want to live every day like it’s my last. I want to dance, sing, and eat like no one’s watching. I’ve been wanting this for almost a year now, but in vain. I keep waiting for the day when I will stop giving a damn about what people think of me and just start living the way I want to live life.
Lately, my life has been empty. All the medication that I am on, don’t seem to be acting up on me. Even my medicines don’t have the urge to help me anymore. I’m trying so hard, I’m puting in all my efforts and I’m giving it all to get better, to get over this, to forget it all and move on. I also began to think that I was getting to the point where I could proudly say, “Woah. I’m feeling a lot better.” However though, right now I couldn’t feel any worse.
I keep telling myself,
“You’re not alone.”
But as the Sun goes down and I lay on my bed at night, the bed feels so cold and big. My sadness envelopes me rather than my blankets. My head is propped up by a monster of thoughts rather than my pillow. And that weight on my chest, it feels as if the mattress is lying on top of me rather than the latter. And in the middle of the cold silent night, as I sit up and take a look around, all I know through this confusion is the fact that the only person there is, is me, and the only person who cares is me, and the only person who understands is me.
And you know when it gets harder? When the cold silent night is over and when you’re in a room full people and you look around. You see them all talking and laughing and all of a sudden you feel so sad and lonely that you can even feel a physical pain in your chest. You realize that they all belong to someone and they all have someone who belongs to them and you don’t. You’re always just kind of there. 

Throwback

Dear Lord, please give me my previous body back. I have become a fat mess. :'(

Please hate on me

Here’s a hate letter for all you stupid bitches.
I am so pissed. I am so angry, annoyed, irritated. I feel like crying. I want to shave my head. I’m scared. I feel like there is a presence lingering over me. I am so suffocated. Do you know the reason why I am currently in this state of mind? It’s because of all you stupid human beings out there. I love animals so much better than you. Yes, YOU! You, the person who is reading this right now. I am in a complete mess. I know I shouldn’t be blaming others for the state I am in. But this is my only way to calm myself down.

‘Don’t talk to me’!!!

No! I will not fucking talk to you! You can’t see my happiness. Okay! Good for you. Please always put yourself first. Human beings are fucking selfish.

People shout at me. Here goes a round of standing ovation. You go ahead shout at me, because you are dumb! You’re a dumb idiocratic whore. I’ve self harmed when my father shouted at me once. Now you want to shout at me too? Oh! Please do. Dogs bark, so you’re doing a very good job at it. I have sensitive ears, and I’ve had them ever since mother fucking stupid son of a gun anorexia took over me. When you shout at me, my heart literally crumbles to bits, or at least it feels that way. But hey! Please. I am on my knees, begging, keep shouting at me because shouting makes you feel empowered.

Do you want to know how I got into this stage? Please, keep asking me questions about it because it totally does not trigger me. Do you want to know what I eat, how much I eat, how much I exercise, how many kilos I lost, how much I weigh now? Go ahead. Please do not have the common sense in you, to not ask me these questions, because these questions are absolutely positively not triggering.

Don’t you go ahead and fucking do what I do, okay? I’ve eaten my shit as an infant. Why don’t you do that too? Because it’s not cool enough? Or is it because people won’t pay much attention to you? You might think I am an attention seeking dyke. And if that’s your thought process, AGAIN, ‘Good job.’

I am so tired of this. All I want now in life is to be devoted to God all day and all night long. All I look for is ‘peace.’ 

I'm Set

NEED DISTRACTIONS?
WRITE. EXPRESS.
They don't just say without any reason that the pen is mightier than the sword.
Being November, the cold has started to set in. With my comforter, socks and laptop I am all set to deal with the dreary winter months.

The Way You See It

I have more conversations in my head than I do in real life. I some times wish these conversations were for real.

It’s really all about who you miss two in the afternoon when you’re busy, not two in the morning when you’re lonely. 

Loneliness is dark. To cope with the loneliness, all I can think of is cutting. But the best way I find to stop the urge to cut myself is to squeeze ice in my hand. Then again, cutting is so tempting and it is only so easy for people to ask you to stop it and they would never understand how hard it is. Beating these demons, defeating them, is one of the scariest wars in life. You might know, but you don’t know my story. You see my smile, but you do not see the pain. You may see my eyes, but not my tears. You may notice my cuts, but not my scars. You can read my lips, but not my mind.

I am so tired, scared and sad because you don’t see me the way I see you. 

“You are the humming in my veins while I’m just the dust on your fingertips.”

Through the Months

25^th December, 2013.

I used to love shopping. Shopping used to be my medicine for sorrow. Every time I went shopping, I felt as though the burden from my shoulders slipped off immediately. Just the touch of new clothes, the smell of new shoes and the glitter of new accessories elated me. I would be trying on tons of different clothes of different sizes. The entire shopping experience used to be a complete different joy for me. Last year, I spent my Christmas holidays in Thailand and I had the best time ever. My mum and I literally shopped till we dropped and ate ice cream, burgers, waffles, Thai street food and regular soda. I was not bothered about how my body looked and I did not do a body check every time I was in a trial room. I was a healthy-happy girl who was having a blast with her mother.

1^st January, 2014

The first time I ever weighed myself in ages. I was in Pratunam Mall, in Bangkok shopping with my mother. There were weighing machines all over the place and I was curious about how much I weighed. They’re correct, you know, ‘Curiosity kills the cat.’ I was horrified to see the number when I stepped on the scales. It was the 1^st of January and I thought to myself, ‘That is it. I need to lose weight and I need to see those numbers go down.’ I was holding a can of regular coke when I had stepped on the scales and I threw that away instantly. That was the first time after a year that I discarded of something with calories.

5^th November, 2014

I went shopping with my Dad today and had the worst time ever. I’ve hated shopping ever since the beginning of this year. Shopping makes me an extremely sad soul and I still cannot bring myself to be surrounded with mirrors. It disgusts me look at myself. Even so now, because a month ago before I started recovery, I used to wear size zero clothes. It is the worst feeling ever to look for size 2 or 4 clothes instead of going for a size 0. When I was in the trial room today I sat down in misery with tears running down my cheeks. All I could think of was how humongous I looked. I was pulling on my fat thighs, my fat belly and my fat hips. How badly I wished I could take a knife and cut off all my fats. I hate the fact that I grew one to two sizes big.

I have such low self esteem. I need to stop worrying about things like what size I wear.
“I’d rather be intelligent than wear a size zero. I want to burn hearts with brilliance and engulf souls with compassion. I want to be loved for my thoughts and nothing else.”