The Girl in the Mirror

I am no Anne Frank, or any of those great authors, and I am very well aware of the fact that this is not a journal either. Right at this moment I have no clue what it is that I am writing. Well, my brain talks a lot, and by “lot”, I literally mean it, like a hell lot. So, it is best that I pen down these wonderful, at times extremely annoying conversations. By the way, I know that typing is not “penning down”, but that sounds way better than “typing.”

I have learnt a lot this year, turning fifteen. But I really do not think that I have learnt because of the age, but probably because of the lifestyle that I am living.

There is a figure looking at me in the mirror. She looks so very strikingly familiar, and she smiles whenever I smile. The girl in the mirror does whatever it is that I do. She is a reflection, my reflection. And what I see in my reflection is of a strong, independent, fierce, determined, young lady who is so proud of who she is. I do not need another living and respiring being to appreciate me for who I am. I do not need any body to tell me that I am beautiful. The opinion of a person who does not know my story, or doesn’t even try and understand the theme, drama and plot of my life, does not hold any amount of value to me. However, my opinion and believes are what matter, so the only person that I actually listen to is myself. From a very tender age, I have always believed in only myself and have been so extremely stubborn about whom I am and not changing decisions I once make my mind about them. Some people may consider this sheer foolishness, but I am glad that I only listen and adhere to the decisions that I take. Once I have made up my mind about some matter, no existing power can change my mind about it. There are times, when I very well knowingly make judgements which are not appropriate of the situation. And no, there is not a single second in my life that I regret on taking erroneous decisions; instead there is a fire so bright that starts inside of me every time I do something extremely horrible and get out of the mess that I created by myself. It is this fuel that is essential every once in my life to ignite all other activities that have I have been procrastinating for so long. Bad decisions are in reality the best things that happen to me every few months. It gets me to thinking about the things that is should actually be doing, and the girl that represents me in the mirror. 

Utter randomness

On some days, writing feels so easy and on days like today, I find myself craving to write but there is nothing but randomness in my head. 

So I'm just going to walk you through some of the events that have taken place in the past few days or events from a really very long time ago. My blog is like a diary, nobody quite reads it and somehow I feel extremely nostalgic about writing here, it feels like home. This year my blog has given me the warmth of a mother, patience of a lover, kindness of a friend and offered me protection of a father. This is the place where I can be myself and come to it whenever I feel like, it has never once rejected me.
So earlier tonight my sister, Polly, called me up and we talked. We didn't talk for a long time, barely even ten minutes, I suppose. She didn't seem like the old her; I mean okay, I get it, people change. But she is my sister and she just said that she did not want to come back to her hometown. That was major news and it hurt a teeny tiny bit to hear those words. I guess that is what happens when you move away from home. I know that she is in a whole new country and miles and miles away from home, but come on! For God's sake, it's HOME! How in this world does someone not want to come back home? I just hope that words as such about not wanting to go back home ever come out of me. It's a horrible thing to even imagine about.

A few nights ago, I had the most amazing dream of my life. My o my! I have never had a romantic dream in my entire life and the first one that I had was something so beautiful. Sigh! What an enthralling scene. I honestly wish I'd live through it. It was in some sort of a really big palace or a hotel, and all of my school friends were there, and there was some sort of a party. I was wearing a white dress, and it was a cold windy night with tigers, elephants, rhinos, deer and foxes strolling in absolute harmony just out front of the palace or whatever this mystery place was. There was this gorgeous boy and he held me by my waist and we made out and it was; okay that's pretty much it. I mean it is a dream. It's not like people actually remember dreams in details. Although I definitively wish I did remember just that one dream to actually reveal the mystery guy.

Ooh. I get so pissed when people pretend. So there is this girl Antara khaund, we used to be in the same school, same grade and same friend circle. Suddenly she changed schools and this year we met each other after a long time and she was this whole New girl. Long story short, we're not close anymore, we're not friends. She is so pretentious. So my guy Best friend, Shivam, he used to be friends with Antara as well. So today shivam texted Antara for some work, and this is how it went-

Shivam - Hey. We'll be going to Guwahati Comprehensive Cleft Care Centre tomorrow to meet Lismore at around 10. You said that you wanted to meet us, so I'm letting you know.

Antara - Hey Shubham. Its not possible that we meet tomorrow cause there is an important cabinet meeting at school. :/ BTW how do you know Lis?

Let's skip what other text messages took place after that, but let's just focus on "Hey Shubham!" SHUBHAM??! Honestly? SHUBHAM?!  I mean what kind of a pretentious little child are you? She's know SHIVAM, ever since kindergarten and a few days ago as well she texted him, and they're friends on Facebook as well. This is just heights of irritation. Some people need a reality check!

Damn. I got dark circles.

The picture is so not related 

Hilarious

Hahahaha. Hilarious how my life has become a joke very recently; people take me as a joke, I tend to take myself as a joke and life takes me as a joke as well. So I sit here alone in my room, it is very silent, most of the furniture is of a reddish hue, the roof made of Shillong pine, curtains of a pale yellow tone, and in all the room itself does not give off a vibrant range of colours to the person living in here. The room is so silent that one can hear her heart beat and when trying to sleep, the rhythmic beating of the heart, and the inhalation and exhalation of air becomes her very lullaby. And no, the walls to the room are not sound proof. So how does one access to complete dead quiet. Is it possible that I am a fifteen year old living all by me? Well, no, that is not the case here, although it does not quite make much of a difference, because it sure does feel like I am living in this big beautiful house which at times feels like a ghost manor, solely. I have a family, my mum and dad are busy at their jobs, so I mostly stay home alone, and even if they are home, they are usually wrapped up around in their own worlds or prefer to spend time with each other. My parents and I hardly ever “hang out” and talk at home, even at lunch time only a few words are exchanged. I usually skip on breakfast and dinner, or have these meals by myself, sitting on a six people dinner table, and five seats just blank seated only by air. Yes, my life gets a little alone and zombie like at times. But no, God no, I am not complaining, maybe it is just the perfect life for me or else I would have been writing about how my parents nag me most of my time and that they are always trying to take over my life. I thank the Super Natural that that is not the life I am living.

Besides being so utterly and immensely grateful of what God has provided me with, I however feel that certain people in my life do not love me, let alone love, even so like me back as much as I love them. And by love, no, I do not mean it like in a sexual or romantic manner, but in a friendly and family way. The people I have known ever since a very early age, it is so very hard to not love them and have them as friends forever more and after, or at the least till the time that we see each other every other day of our lives and cross each other’s paths. Maybe I have done some absolutely inane and maddening things but I never meant to hurt anybody’s feelings. If I could have, I would have done things differently but the fact is that I liked the way I did things, as because of the decisions that I took, or more likely we mutually took, joyous and wonderful memories have been created and I want to saviour them for a lifetime. Fights, quarrels, troubles and more of those rumble streets will be there no matter what, they are what gives us a reality check every once in a while, and these are essential and mandatory. But one shan’t let them in their way; I mean is this how strong our friendship is? So easy to break off? I personally thought that it was super glued till death do us apart or something? I will say that I am sorry a hundred million times and do whatever it takes to save what we have or “had” but I shall not see it fall apart in crumbles.

So you can “crop me out of the picture” if you’d like and not talk to me for months, but at the end of day I will say that I am sorry because I do not want to lose what we have.  

Hello There!

Oh how amazing it feels to be back on my blog again after a long, long time.  The last that I was here was 8^th of September, 2013, and now here it is 1^st October, still 2013 though. You know what the worst time of a fifteen year olds’ life is? Of course, you don’t, most of them adults think that it is all so very easy, unproblematic and painless compared to what they have going on in their lives. NO. Just NO, mid terms and finals exams are the worst times of a teenager’s existence. At least for me, it is.


And now you have the reason for my absence, I had my mid terms going on. I was so lost and buried deep under my books; I didn’t even have the time to so much as to “think” about any other activity rather than studying. I crammed for these mid terms all day and all night long. Today was the last paper for this term and it was “Math,” every student’s nightmare. Well, maybe not “every” student, but yes, for a lot of them. By the way I am describing Math, it is very presumable that it’s a living nightmare for me as well, but in factuality, it isn’t. However this year, my tenth grade mid term Math paper was indeed a nightmare I had to live through. It was a real nail biter. I worked my gut out for Math, for SIX whole entire days, all I did was practice Math. All I did think, see, do, write, eat, sleep, dream was Math, and today at 9:15 a.m. as I received the question paper in my hands, I jumped to start writing down the answers. I didn’t see left or right but dove into this deep dark watered pool of numbers. The dive I took was near to smooth, but as I reached into the pool and swam deeper, I was breathless and helpless. Time was running out and to complete my task of solving these numbers strewed all over the place here and there seemed much likely impossible. With time on its edge, I was suffocated, and nearly gave up; many times I even so let myself sink. However with some sort of life vest or encouragement of the other I was periodically being resuscitated. These aids helped me an immense lot, but the difficulties in my brain with momentary dyslexia and a faint heart, broke all spirits and determination and cast a shadow on the very bright pool.

But then again;
Once time is gone, there is no possible way of bringing it back all over again. There is no point of dwelling in the past. You do not get free re-dos in life. What one can do is to live in the present and prepare for the future.

Oh and well, as for now, BLOG how ever much I want to!