Take it all in

You know what? I am beautiful. I am perfect. I am absolutely wonderful. No, I'm not being narcissistic, I am just trying to boost my self esteem here. I will never change for some person else. I am marvellous just as I am. I will continue being marvellous because I deserve to be, I will continue being me.
I will try to talk more, interact more, converse more. Yes, I may get ignored, interrupted, talked over, not paid attention to, but so what? I will talk if that's exactly what makes me happy, if that's what makes me come out of my lone zone. I'll talk because I want to hear my own voice. Sometimes I feel as though my voice is the only thing that can soothe me. I never once thought that I could find comfort in a voice, but slowly I find myself talking comforting.
I look out from my window and all I can see is the darkness. Dark, gloomy and creepy is all that I can feel and see. But that is when I need a change in my perspective. Did you know that the darkest nights produce the brightest stars? "Life is really just a reflection of what you think. If your thoughts are polluted, the things you see will be the same." Changing the way I perceive is what helps me the most.
I want to smile, so I will. Nobody can stop me from smiling. Seriously, because smiling is so helpful. If you just stop for a moment, think of any happy moment in your life and smile for real, it will most definitely brighten up your day. And do I want A bright, colourful day with a smile on my face.
Every single time that I felt like I couldn't go on, I did. And here I am now. Is it not just crazy how one can overcome things which once felt unconquerable just by time? Time is all that it takes.

"In life you just have moments when you think you're over it and then you have others when you cry on the bathroom floor wondering why you weren't good enough."
Take it all in, the good and the bad. 

Borderline

I let myself out. I let you into my world. I told you my deepest secrets. You held me high, you helped me out and here I am now. "Here", on the border of happiness and sorrow. It feels as though I'm in two places at once. I'm just so confused all the time about everything. I don't even have the slightest clue about what I want to do. It comes to a limit where I just give up. I stop looking for answers and I stop searching. And it is only then that it hits me, that sometimes you just have to accept the fact that you are by yourself, in this lonely little crazy world.
"Who did that to you? Who messed you up so bad, emotionally and mentally that you've completely shut down anyone who tries to help you. You don't talk about your feelings, you push kind people away and you let negative thoughts in. You refuse to open up and let someone love you or care about you. Honestly, who did that to you?

Okay?

Pain in my chest, pounding in my heart and mess in my head. Well, it's not just my head that's a mess. I officially declare that I am a mess after a year of bliss. I am so messed up that I don't even know what to write anymore. All I've been doing the past twenty four hours is break down and cry. I feel so guilty somehow talking about my own feelings and I immediately regret because I feel just so annoying and pathetic. I cried, screamed and broken down, but I still try putting on a fake smile. "Am I really okay?" Well I am acting like I am okay and I don't want anyone to interrupt my performance. Friendly reminder by the way guys, people in psychology school are taught that anger is a secondary emotion. So the next time you make someone mad, remember that it's because they were originally hurt or upset. No one has the slightest idea how much pain runs through my veins. Nobody please ever come into my life and start to matter and become an important part of it and then just walk away leaving nothing but a hole in my chest. I wanted to scream, I wanted to burst in tears, I wanted to get drunk and kill myself, but all I could do was stare at the wall in silence.

Life is like a piano I suppose; white keys represents joy, black shows sadness. As you go through life, remember that the black keys make music too.

"You kissed her in the rain out in the storm and you didn't realize that the rain was my tears and the thunder was my heart breaking." 

Take a look back

Flashback to March, 2014; "Short cropped hair, protruding collar bones, edgy hip bones, ribs poking, backbone visible, big dark circles under my eyes, living basically on water and fasting most of the time."
A year ago everything was different. I wouldn't have pictured myself like this. 'This' would be happy, healthy, in love, friendly. Most importantly I don't think I could ever imagine myself loving and accepting the body that God has gifted me. It has been quite the 365 days for me, from having low self esteem, self loathing to being self accepting and healthier and happier. I finally accept the fact that certain things will never be according to me. I cannot change my body to my own likes neither can I look like a person I am not.
My self esteem is still low. I still have difficulty seeing my reflection. I sometimes still get disgusted with my face and my body. You can tell me every day that I'm beautiful, and I would feel nice, but I would have trouble believing even a single word of it. Because nobody knows what I see in my mirror. And I'm just so glad that you don't see me the way I do because you would be just as disgusted. 

But hey! I believe I'm on the correct path of self acceptance. Because I am stronger than I ever have been. 

Mornings

It is 11:04 am, not exactly a great time to be waking up. But oh well, it’s still morning. I know very well that in the next fifty five minutes it’s going to be afternoon.

Lately, every morning I get up the first I do is decide. Decide what I want? What is it that I want from life today? Misery? Or blissfulness? What will I be choosing today? Obviously I pick blissfulness. That is what any sane person in this world would do. But can it be so that just by choosing blissfulness, I am happy throughout the day? You might say that its not at all possible. But I beg to differ. Just remember, one small positive thought in the morning can make a positive difference to the way you live today. All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think, is exactly what we become. 

Start every morning with a grateful heart. Let all your pain, tiredness, and sorrow be washed away. Think for a moment and praise God for everything he has done for you. God will enlighten your mind with truth, inflame your heart with love, inspire your will with courage, enrich your life with service. He will pardon what you have been, sanctify what you are. He will order what you shall be. God will always be there beside you. All you need to do is believe and he will show you the way. He will be your guide. 

Good morning!

Pages of her Diary

"The worst type of crying is the silent one. The one when everyone is asleep. The one where you feel it in your throat and your eyes become blurry from the tears. The one where you just want to scream. The one where you have to hold your breath and grab your stomach to keep quiet. The one where you just cannot breathe anymore.
What brings tears to my eyes? Just words. The wrong kind of words, which feel like knives, swords and weapons used against me. Words are like tsunamis, but people splash them around like puddles. You should learn that just by saying the wrong things, you can end someone's life. Do you really want to be a murderer? I have heard of my imperfections, I know of them, I am aware of them, but thank you so much for pointing them out to me and reminding me of them yet again. You ask me why its so hard for me to trust people? I ask you one simple question, "Why is so hard for you to keep a promise?"

Everything seems to be so exhausting, no matter how much I sleep, or much I coffee I drink, or how long I lie down, something inside me seems to have given up. My soul is tired.
You have to understand that my feelings will get bottled up and I won't be able to hold them in any longer, I will scream, I will cry.

I just need a break."

Do you Ever?

Do you ever miss a friend but you don’t want to tell them because they are probably doing perfectly fine without you? And for them it probably does not even matter. You don’t tell them because you don’t want them to think you’re annoying or needy. 

"Do you ever feel like you said too much? I did. I already shared too much, I already said too much. And I want all my secrets back now. I hate getting close to people these days. I always end up caring too much, sharing too much, doing too much, feeling too much."
- She thought. 

There

Some things in life – “Said so easily, but hard to do.”
What I want to do is refresh my mind. All I want is to clear all my problems and just have fun living. I want to live every day like it’s my last. I want to dance, sing, and eat like no one’s watching. I’ve been wanting this for almost a year now, but in vain. I keep waiting for the day when I will stop giving a damn about what people think of me and just start living the way I want to live life.
Lately, my life has been empty. All the medication that I am on, don’t seem to be acting up on me. Even my medicines don’t have the urge to help me anymore. I’m trying so hard, I’m puting in all my efforts and I’m giving it all to get better, to get over this, to forget it all and move on. I also began to think that I was getting to the point where I could proudly say, “Woah. I’m feeling a lot better.” However though, right now I couldn’t feel any worse.
I keep telling myself,
“You’re not alone.”
But as the Sun goes down and I lay on my bed at night, the bed feels so cold and big. My sadness envelopes me rather than my blankets. My head is propped up by a monster of thoughts rather than my pillow. And that weight on my chest, it feels as if the mattress is lying on top of me rather than the latter. And in the middle of the cold silent night, as I sit up and take a look around, all I know through this confusion is the fact that the only person there is, is me, and the only person who cares is me, and the only person who understands is me.
And you know when it gets harder? When the cold silent night is over and when you’re in a room full people and you look around. You see them all talking and laughing and all of a sudden you feel so sad and lonely that you can even feel a physical pain in your chest. You realize that they all belong to someone and they all have someone who belongs to them and you don’t. You’re always just kind of there. 

Throwback

Dear Lord, please give me my previous body back. I have become a fat mess. :'(

Please hate on me

Here’s a hate letter for all you stupid bitches.
I am so pissed. I am so angry, annoyed, irritated. I feel like crying. I want to shave my head. I’m scared. I feel like there is a presence lingering over me. I am so suffocated. Do you know the reason why I am currently in this state of mind? It’s because of all you stupid human beings out there. I love animals so much better than you. Yes, YOU! You, the person who is reading this right now. I am in a complete mess. I know I shouldn’t be blaming others for the state I am in. But this is my only way to calm myself down.

‘Don’t talk to me’!!!

No! I will not fucking talk to you! You can’t see my happiness. Okay! Good for you. Please always put yourself first. Human beings are fucking selfish.

People shout at me. Here goes a round of standing ovation. You go ahead shout at me, because you are dumb! You’re a dumb idiocratic whore. I’ve self harmed when my father shouted at me once. Now you want to shout at me too? Oh! Please do. Dogs bark, so you’re doing a very good job at it. I have sensitive ears, and I’ve had them ever since mother fucking stupid son of a gun anorexia took over me. When you shout at me, my heart literally crumbles to bits, or at least it feels that way. But hey! Please. I am on my knees, begging, keep shouting at me because shouting makes you feel empowered.

Do you want to know how I got into this stage? Please, keep asking me questions about it because it totally does not trigger me. Do you want to know what I eat, how much I eat, how much I exercise, how many kilos I lost, how much I weigh now? Go ahead. Please do not have the common sense in you, to not ask me these questions, because these questions are absolutely positively not triggering.

Don’t you go ahead and fucking do what I do, okay? I’ve eaten my shit as an infant. Why don’t you do that too? Because it’s not cool enough? Or is it because people won’t pay much attention to you? You might think I am an attention seeking dyke. And if that’s your thought process, AGAIN, ‘Good job.’

I am so tired of this. All I want now in life is to be devoted to God all day and all night long. All I look for is ‘peace.’ 

I'm Set

NEED DISTRACTIONS?
WRITE. EXPRESS.
They don't just say without any reason that the pen is mightier than the sword.
Being November, the cold has started to set in. With my comforter, socks and laptop I am all set to deal with the dreary winter months.

The Way You See It

I have more conversations in my head than I do in real life. I some times wish these conversations were for real.

It’s really all about who you miss two in the afternoon when you’re busy, not two in the morning when you’re lonely. 

Loneliness is dark. To cope with the loneliness, all I can think of is cutting. But the best way I find to stop the urge to cut myself is to squeeze ice in my hand. Then again, cutting is so tempting and it is only so easy for people to ask you to stop it and they would never understand how hard it is. Beating these demons, defeating them, is one of the scariest wars in life. You might know, but you don’t know my story. You see my smile, but you do not see the pain. You may see my eyes, but not my tears. You may notice my cuts, but not my scars. You can read my lips, but not my mind.

I am so tired, scared and sad because you don’t see me the way I see you. 

“You are the humming in my veins while I’m just the dust on your fingertips.”

Through the Months

25^th December, 2013.

I used to love shopping. Shopping used to be my medicine for sorrow. Every time I went shopping, I felt as though the burden from my shoulders slipped off immediately. Just the touch of new clothes, the smell of new shoes and the glitter of new accessories elated me. I would be trying on tons of different clothes of different sizes. The entire shopping experience used to be a complete different joy for me. Last year, I spent my Christmas holidays in Thailand and I had the best time ever. My mum and I literally shopped till we dropped and ate ice cream, burgers, waffles, Thai street food and regular soda. I was not bothered about how my body looked and I did not do a body check every time I was in a trial room. I was a healthy-happy girl who was having a blast with her mother.

1^st January, 2014

The first time I ever weighed myself in ages. I was in Pratunam Mall, in Bangkok shopping with my mother. There were weighing machines all over the place and I was curious about how much I weighed. They’re correct, you know, ‘Curiosity kills the cat.’ I was horrified to see the number when I stepped on the scales. It was the 1^st of January and I thought to myself, ‘That is it. I need to lose weight and I need to see those numbers go down.’ I was holding a can of regular coke when I had stepped on the scales and I threw that away instantly. That was the first time after a year that I discarded of something with calories.

5^th November, 2014

I went shopping with my Dad today and had the worst time ever. I’ve hated shopping ever since the beginning of this year. Shopping makes me an extremely sad soul and I still cannot bring myself to be surrounded with mirrors. It disgusts me look at myself. Even so now, because a month ago before I started recovery, I used to wear size zero clothes. It is the worst feeling ever to look for size 2 or 4 clothes instead of going for a size 0. When I was in the trial room today I sat down in misery with tears running down my cheeks. All I could think of was how humongous I looked. I was pulling on my fat thighs, my fat belly and my fat hips. How badly I wished I could take a knife and cut off all my fats. I hate the fact that I grew one to two sizes big.

I have such low self esteem. I need to stop worrying about things like what size I wear.
“I’d rather be intelligent than wear a size zero. I want to burn hearts with brilliance and engulf souls with compassion. I want to be loved for my thoughts and nothing else.”

Resuscitation

Your shoulder blades weren't wings to fly to freedom.
And your ribs weren't ladders to your struggling heart.
Your sunken eyes weren't beautifully painful.
And the sun didn't shine life through the gap between your thighs.

You were dying baby, finding beauty in your self demise.
Killing yourself with every morsel of food you denied yourself.

Don't miss the person you were when the monster lived through you,
Eating away at your wasting body,
Sucking the life from your hollow cheeks.

Miss the person you were before
Oblivious to the toxins of the disorder that stole you away.

Are You Dumb?

Question- How many calories do you eat a day?
Answer - 1267553891083799297379000

Question- What's your BMI?
Answer - Higher than your self esteem

Question- Do you have any idea how UGLG you are?
Answer - Your face is as Shit and so is the way you spell, so what?

Question - Do you need to eat that?
Answer - No, but using my fork to eat helps to keep me from stabbing you with it.

Question- How much do you weigh?
Answer - Perfect but Definitely lower than your stupidity.

Question - Don’t you know that being fat is unhealthy?
Answer - Don’t you know what is and is not your
business?

Strength triumphs Weakness

She's been good. She's been bad. She has her moments. It's not like it is possible to be happy all the time. Life would not be that interesting if all she ever was euphoric. The sad moments are no doubt painful and hurtful. But without all the pain and hurt, there would be no stories to tell. Besides, after every storm there is sunshine. But if she would hold on to her story and keep on thinking about it all the time, or try to keep going ahead in her life with respect to her past, it would be an extremely difficult task. Surely she shouldn't be forgetting her story. Instead she should be letting people know of her story, so that other people don't do the same mistake as she did. It would be a help to so many people, especially all those beautiful girls out there who think they're not good enough.

3rd October

And yet again, another day of tears. I am so emotional and sensitive nowadays. My Mama didn't like the breakfast I made her, and she started complaining about every tiny little thing. This is so annoying. I was so upset. But now I'm much better. Kind of.

My Dad is so weird. Okay. He's not weird, he's just really worried about me and loves me and cares about me. He saw in his dreams today afternoon that I was cutting myself. He woke up immediately with a mini heart attackbAnd came to check up on me, if I was okay. Now he is talking about it and he's telling me that I was cutting my legs and my face and there was blood all around me. It's like when people talk about it, It's so triggering. All you can think of is self harm. It's so addictive. Dang it. Buuuuut I have self control And I will distract myself. I am so much more than this. Like What the hell, right? I have so much to do. What will I even get out of cuttings myself? Nothing. Zilt. Zero. Sure I'll get a few minutes of pleasure. But I'll be causing pain to so many others, And that's not I wanna do. I am strong. And I will not do anything of the sort. Fuck you Ana. It's my mind, My heart. I don't. I won't. I shan't. I am strong. I am not weak.

Ever Wondered?

I remember wearing elastic bands around my wrist. Do you? Did you once ask me why I wore them? No. It wasn't a fashion statement. What was it then? Maybe some sort of a reminder, it was. Would I be Snapping it hard whenever hungry. A reminder of how fat I was and how desperately I needed to lose weight?

A lighter in my hand and playing with it. Is it because I liked the colors? All the questions I used to ask about cigarettes. Ever wondered why? Was it just curiosity? Or did I use them for real to curb my appetite?

The pencil sharpener I used to keep staring at. Would I be staring at the pencil shavings stuck in it or something else? The forks and table knives set up on the dinner table I would stare at, but what for? To maybe cut something?

Did anybody once ever even notice the blank stares? Or the huge dark circles under my eyes? Maybe you did notice the dark circles, because let's face it, every one of you are interested in the outer looks and then gossip about how ugly or pretty someone looked based on face value. Any one ever tried to know why all the blank stares and the circles? No, they're not because of lack of sleep. Sometimes else, maybe?

See the scratches on my arms and legs? What did I say how it happened? 'Oh my baby dog, Ringo, scratched me. Not a big deal. He does it all the time.' Really? Did you all actually buy it? Maybe would've helped if you would have looked into the situation deeper.

Go back a few years. Rewind just a further more. Yes, right there. When you were little and you fell down, they would ask you were it hurt. You would point to your knees, elbows and they would make it better.

Now come back to the present. So you're older now. If you fall, they do not ask you where it hurts. You sit silently in your room waiting for someone to ask you where it hurts and then you point towards your head and heart. Because that is exactly where the pain hurts the most, but the sad part is, nobody makes it better.

So you see that smile on my face? Ever wondered if there's a story behind this smile? Ever wondered 'She might just be perfect at faking smiles.'

Confessions of A Survivor

~Skipping one meal is not foundation,
Faking a suicide attempt is not eyeshadow,
Getting nervous and calling it anxiety is not eyeliner,
And being sad and calling it depression is not lipstick.
Mental illnesses is not make up.
You cannot just put it on and take it off at will,
To make people look at you differently,
Or treat you better.
And believe me, if you could just put it on and take it off,
I would be cleaning email every last inch of my skin.

~Do you know why people cut or self harm? Because it is a distraction. For one moment you don't feel the pain, the loss, the hurt. All you feel is that knife going into your skin, the blood dripping down your arm, leg, and stomach. You don't think about how alone you are or hoe fat and ugly you are. You don't think how your family is fighting or all your friends hate you. All you think about is the blood. And the addicting part? Well that's when all the hurt and pain come back. When the cut isn't fresh and you can feel all the sadness and loneliness build up inside of you. So you have to do it again, but a little deeper so that the numbness will last a little longer. The pain inside gets worse and worse, so you have to make the pain outside worse and worse. It is all about control. You have it. You can't control the pain inside, so you get to control the pain inside.

~There are just times when I get those pangs of anxiety where I feel like nobody loves me and nobody will ever love me and I will achieve nothing. But do you want to know when these times are? All the time.

~I wonder what it is like…
To wake up and love yourself
To look in the mirror and not want to cry
To weigh yourself, see the number and not want to puke
To be with friends and not feel ugly
To go into public and not be insecure
To go shopping for clothes and not feel fat.
I just wonder,
           What it is like to love yourself.

~I miss being at my lowest weight so much.
Some times I wake in the middle of the night and I start crying because I miss my collar bones. I miss my protruding hip bones. I miss my poking ribs. I miss the huge gap between my thighs. I miss feeling dizzy. I miss the power and pride I used to feel, when I would eat between 0-500 calories. I miss being able to fit into kid's size 14 clothes. I miss it all so much. I used to weigh 93lbs. And I want it all again. I need to lose weight and be like that. I cannot stand being so heavy. It's so hard. I miss my bones.

October 1, 2014
I'm a Survivor. Recovery wasn't a choice I made in the past. It is a choice I constantly keep choosing. Every day is a struggle and I will keep fighting.
#Todayilovemyselfbecause I chose recovery and continue choosing it. I am a warrior and I will win.
To all those who are struggling, I love you all. ❤
Kill ana and Mia like a boss.

Today I Love Myself Because

All the pain and the truth, I wear like a battle wound.
So ashamed, so confused, I was broken and bruised. #todayilovemyselfbecause I'm a warrior. I've got thicker skin and I'm stronger than I've ever been.
#todayilovemyselfbecause I've decided that I am beautiful the way I am and I don't need to change for anything or anybody. ☺♥

#todayilovemyselfbecause I am so so fortunate to have such loving parents, sister, baby brother Ringo (my love, my dog!) , family, friends and all my supporters on instagram! I love each one of you so so much! And you guys are just amazing! ♥♥♥

#todayilovemyselfbecause of the way God has made me. I am starting to accept myself, my body. And I'm listening to my mama's words and really value them a lot, 'If you don't love yourself, you cannot love anybody else.' I will love. Myself and everyone else.

#todayilovemyselfbecause I'm learning to live a balanced life. I'm learning not to starve, binge, purge or over exercise. I am constantly reminding myself that I need to eat healthy, and also treat myself at times. Also I always keep in mind to exercise moderately.

#todayilovemyselfbecause  I controlled my anger and was very strong and held back my tears when my friend commented on me. He was commenting on how ugly I look and throwing popcorn at me and making fun of me in front of the entire class. Buy I told myself that he is just not worth my time, worth my energy.
I love running!!! I love yoga! Pre Ed I used to be always such a lively, bubbly, active girl. But after Ed took over my life, I turned into a lifeless soul. I was always so depressed during my ed years. But now that I am into recovery, I think I've improved quite a lot. I am slowly opening myself to the world and letting them know me better. I don't want to stay in this shell anymore. I will have the pre Ed girl I used to be, back! Its possible. I will be the girl who once could run 5 miles without any trouble. #recoveryispossible guys!!! #todayilovemyselfbecause I am finally wanting to come out of my shell and let people into my life.

todayilovemyselfbecause I have gained another 2 kilos. So I now stand at 48 kilos. Wow. I'm not really happy about it but I think I should be. My life shouldn't be focused on some shitty numbers on the scales. I love myself today because I've gained 2 kilos and this means that I am healthier. HEALTHY, this is all that matters, right? Hell yea. I am strong. And I will not count calories. I will count blessings, not calories.

#todayilovemyselfbecause I can dance. Haha. I know how random this is. But, yea. It feels so great that my body can do such amazing moves. I remember when I used to be so weak, food deprived, and I wouldn't even have the energy to talk to people, let alone dance. The only time I would dance, or more like, force myself was when I wanted to burn calories. Okay. Its scary.
But now, I have so much more energy. Energy= doing whatever I feel like = dance is love, dance is life.

Alright. So last night was one of my downs. I mean in life, if there are no ups and downs, you're basically just a dead person. Life is a long journey and petty things making one upset and crying over it, isn't really going to help. What helps is to reason things out. Connect the dots. Don't take everything so personally and hold grudges against people. So #todayilovemyselfbecause I am who I am. I am learning to be more reasonable, much more stronger. Need to live. Need to learn. Need to love.

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Boredom has dawned over me. I have nothing at all to do. The thing is, I have a lot to do. It's just that I don't want to do anything. I feel like Bruno Mars singing 'The lazy song.'
Today I don't feel like doing anything. I just wanna lay in my bed. But I do want to pick up my phone. Other than that, I don't want to do a thing. I honestly need to get a life. Maybe I'm just too attached to my phone. Need to get a grip. I want to go out somewhere. We have our holidays on. It's the 30th of September, 2014. There are twelve more days for school to reopen. So in these twelve days I wonder what I should do. I could.study, read books, blog and oh so much more. But there seems to be a lazy bug attacking me every time I sit to do something. I am so lethargic. I honestly don't know what's wrong with me. I think I talk too much over the phone. I really need to stop this addiction. I am going insane.
30th September, 2014.
Today morning at around 7:50 a.m. I was woken up by Mum. The first thing I do is check my phone for messages. Only to find none. So I sent out a message instead. Then I got ready and rushed to see my shrink. Her name is Nahid and she is such a beautiful person. I have sessions with a psychologist because I am an Anorexia warrior, fighting depression and anxiety. My appointment was at 8:30 a.m. Talking to her always makes me feel so good. I talked to her about my problems and she told me to see the world with a more positive attitude.
After coming back, my parents told me to eat breakfast but I wasn't at all hungry. So I told them that I wouldn't eat anything. I came to my room and started reading 'The Canterville Ghost' by Oscar Wilde. I kept my phone aside just so that I could give myself some time and not be anxiously waiting for someone to text or call me. That actually helped a lot.
So there are some kids who work so much at home. They help around at home with everything and yet, they never get the appreciation that they deserve. This upsets me so much. It surely does make them independent and strong, but they're human beings after all and hence, crave for some love, care and support.