Confessions of A Survivor

~Skipping one meal is not foundation,
Faking a suicide attempt is not eyeshadow,
Getting nervous and calling it anxiety is not eyeliner,
And being sad and calling it depression is not lipstick.
Mental illnesses is not make up.
You cannot just put it on and take it off at will,
To make people look at you differently,
Or treat you better.
And believe me, if you could just put it on and take it off,
I would be cleaning email every last inch of my skin.

~Do you know why people cut or self harm? Because it is a distraction. For one moment you don't feel the pain, the loss, the hurt. All you feel is that knife going into your skin, the blood dripping down your arm, leg, and stomach. You don't think about how alone you are or hoe fat and ugly you are. You don't think how your family is fighting or all your friends hate you. All you think about is the blood. And the addicting part? Well that's when all the hurt and pain come back. When the cut isn't fresh and you can feel all the sadness and loneliness build up inside of you. So you have to do it again, but a little deeper so that the numbness will last a little longer. The pain inside gets worse and worse, so you have to make the pain outside worse and worse. It is all about control. You have it. You can't control the pain inside, so you get to control the pain inside.

~There are just times when I get those pangs of anxiety where I feel like nobody loves me and nobody will ever love me and I will achieve nothing. But do you want to know when these times are? All the time.

~I wonder what it is like…
To wake up and love yourself
To look in the mirror and not want to cry
To weigh yourself, see the number and not want to puke
To be with friends and not feel ugly
To go into public and not be insecure
To go shopping for clothes and not feel fat.
I just wonder,
           What it is like to love yourself.

~I miss being at my lowest weight so much.
Some times I wake in the middle of the night and I start crying because I miss my collar bones. I miss my protruding hip bones. I miss my poking ribs. I miss the huge gap between my thighs. I miss feeling dizzy. I miss the power and pride I used to feel, when I would eat between 0-500 calories. I miss being able to fit into kid's size 14 clothes. I miss it all so much. I used to weigh 93lbs. And I want it all again. I need to lose weight and be like that. I cannot stand being so heavy. It's so hard. I miss my bones.

October 1, 2014
I'm a Survivor. Recovery wasn't a choice I made in the past. It is a choice I constantly keep choosing. Every day is a struggle and I will keep fighting.
#Todayilovemyselfbecause I chose recovery and continue choosing it. I am a warrior and I will win.
To all those who are struggling, I love you all. ❤
Kill ana and Mia like a boss.