Through the Months

25^th December, 2013.

I used to love shopping. Shopping used to be my medicine for sorrow. Every time I went shopping, I felt as though the burden from my shoulders slipped off immediately. Just the touch of new clothes, the smell of new shoes and the glitter of new accessories elated me. I would be trying on tons of different clothes of different sizes. The entire shopping experience used to be a complete different joy for me. Last year, I spent my Christmas holidays in Thailand and I had the best time ever. My mum and I literally shopped till we dropped and ate ice cream, burgers, waffles, Thai street food and regular soda. I was not bothered about how my body looked and I did not do a body check every time I was in a trial room. I was a healthy-happy girl who was having a blast with her mother.

1^st January, 2014

The first time I ever weighed myself in ages. I was in Pratunam Mall, in Bangkok shopping with my mother. There were weighing machines all over the place and I was curious about how much I weighed. They’re correct, you know, ‘Curiosity kills the cat.’ I was horrified to see the number when I stepped on the scales. It was the 1^st of January and I thought to myself, ‘That is it. I need to lose weight and I need to see those numbers go down.’ I was holding a can of regular coke when I had stepped on the scales and I threw that away instantly. That was the first time after a year that I discarded of something with calories.

5^th November, 2014

I went shopping with my Dad today and had the worst time ever. I’ve hated shopping ever since the beginning of this year. Shopping makes me an extremely sad soul and I still cannot bring myself to be surrounded with mirrors. It disgusts me look at myself. Even so now, because a month ago before I started recovery, I used to wear size zero clothes. It is the worst feeling ever to look for size 2 or 4 clothes instead of going for a size 0. When I was in the trial room today I sat down in misery with tears running down my cheeks. All I could think of was how humongous I looked. I was pulling on my fat thighs, my fat belly and my fat hips. How badly I wished I could take a knife and cut off all my fats. I hate the fact that I grew one to two sizes big.

I have such low self esteem. I need to stop worrying about things like what size I wear.
“I’d rather be intelligent than wear a size zero. I want to burn hearts with brilliance and engulf souls with compassion. I want to be loved for my thoughts and nothing else.”