Resuscitation

Your shoulder blades weren't wings to fly to freedom.
And your ribs weren't ladders to your struggling heart.
Your sunken eyes weren't beautifully painful.
And the sun didn't shine life through the gap between your thighs.

You were dying baby, finding beauty in your self demise.
Killing yourself with every morsel of food you denied yourself.

Don't miss the person you were when the monster lived through you,
Eating away at your wasting body,
Sucking the life from your hollow cheeks.

Miss the person you were before
Oblivious to the toxins of the disorder that stole you away.

Are You Dumb?

Question- How many calories do you eat a day?
Answer - 1267553891083799297379000

Question- What's your BMI?
Answer - Higher than your self esteem

Question- Do you have any idea how UGLG you are?
Answer - Your face is as Shit and so is the way you spell, so what?

Question - Do you need to eat that?
Answer - No, but using my fork to eat helps to keep me from stabbing you with it.

Question- How much do you weigh?
Answer - Perfect but Definitely lower than your stupidity.

Question - Don’t you know that being fat is unhealthy?
Answer - Don’t you know what is and is not your
business?

Strength triumphs Weakness

She's been good. She's been bad. She has her moments. It's not like it is possible to be happy all the time. Life would not be that interesting if all she ever was euphoric. The sad moments are no doubt painful and hurtful. But without all the pain and hurt, there would be no stories to tell. Besides, after every storm there is sunshine. But if she would hold on to her story and keep on thinking about it all the time, or try to keep going ahead in her life with respect to her past, it would be an extremely difficult task. Surely she shouldn't be forgetting her story. Instead she should be letting people know of her story, so that other people don't do the same mistake as she did. It would be a help to so many people, especially all those beautiful girls out there who think they're not good enough.

3rd October

And yet again, another day of tears. I am so emotional and sensitive nowadays. My Mama didn't like the breakfast I made her, and she started complaining about every tiny little thing. This is so annoying. I was so upset. But now I'm much better. Kind of.

My Dad is so weird. Okay. He's not weird, he's just really worried about me and loves me and cares about me. He saw in his dreams today afternoon that I was cutting myself. He woke up immediately with a mini heart attackbAnd came to check up on me, if I was okay. Now he is talking about it and he's telling me that I was cutting my legs and my face and there was blood all around me. It's like when people talk about it, It's so triggering. All you can think of is self harm. It's so addictive. Dang it. Buuuuut I have self control And I will distract myself. I am so much more than this. Like What the hell, right? I have so much to do. What will I even get out of cuttings myself? Nothing. Zilt. Zero. Sure I'll get a few minutes of pleasure. But I'll be causing pain to so many others, And that's not I wanna do. I am strong. And I will not do anything of the sort. Fuck you Ana. It's my mind, My heart. I don't. I won't. I shan't. I am strong. I am not weak.

Ever Wondered?

I remember wearing elastic bands around my wrist. Do you? Did you once ask me why I wore them? No. It wasn't a fashion statement. What was it then? Maybe some sort of a reminder, it was. Would I be Snapping it hard whenever hungry. A reminder of how fat I was and how desperately I needed to lose weight?

A lighter in my hand and playing with it. Is it because I liked the colors? All the questions I used to ask about cigarettes. Ever wondered why? Was it just curiosity? Or did I use them for real to curb my appetite?

The pencil sharpener I used to keep staring at. Would I be staring at the pencil shavings stuck in it or something else? The forks and table knives set up on the dinner table I would stare at, but what for? To maybe cut something?

Did anybody once ever even notice the blank stares? Or the huge dark circles under my eyes? Maybe you did notice the dark circles, because let's face it, every one of you are interested in the outer looks and then gossip about how ugly or pretty someone looked based on face value. Any one ever tried to know why all the blank stares and the circles? No, they're not because of lack of sleep. Sometimes else, maybe?

See the scratches on my arms and legs? What did I say how it happened? 'Oh my baby dog, Ringo, scratched me. Not a big deal. He does it all the time.' Really? Did you all actually buy it? Maybe would've helped if you would have looked into the situation deeper.

Go back a few years. Rewind just a further more. Yes, right there. When you were little and you fell down, they would ask you were it hurt. You would point to your knees, elbows and they would make it better.

Now come back to the present. So you're older now. If you fall, they do not ask you where it hurts. You sit silently in your room waiting for someone to ask you where it hurts and then you point towards your head and heart. Because that is exactly where the pain hurts the most, but the sad part is, nobody makes it better.

So you see that smile on my face? Ever wondered if there's a story behind this smile? Ever wondered 'She might just be perfect at faking smiles.'

Confessions of A Survivor

~Skipping one meal is not foundation,
Faking a suicide attempt is not eyeshadow,
Getting nervous and calling it anxiety is not eyeliner,
And being sad and calling it depression is not lipstick.
Mental illnesses is not make up.
You cannot just put it on and take it off at will,
To make people look at you differently,
Or treat you better.
And believe me, if you could just put it on and take it off,
I would be cleaning email every last inch of my skin.

~Do you know why people cut or self harm? Because it is a distraction. For one moment you don't feel the pain, the loss, the hurt. All you feel is that knife going into your skin, the blood dripping down your arm, leg, and stomach. You don't think about how alone you are or hoe fat and ugly you are. You don't think how your family is fighting or all your friends hate you. All you think about is the blood. And the addicting part? Well that's when all the hurt and pain come back. When the cut isn't fresh and you can feel all the sadness and loneliness build up inside of you. So you have to do it again, but a little deeper so that the numbness will last a little longer. The pain inside gets worse and worse, so you have to make the pain outside worse and worse. It is all about control. You have it. You can't control the pain inside, so you get to control the pain inside.

~There are just times when I get those pangs of anxiety where I feel like nobody loves me and nobody will ever love me and I will achieve nothing. But do you want to know when these times are? All the time.

~I wonder what it is like…
To wake up and love yourself
To look in the mirror and not want to cry
To weigh yourself, see the number and not want to puke
To be with friends and not feel ugly
To go into public and not be insecure
To go shopping for clothes and not feel fat.
I just wonder,
           What it is like to love yourself.

~I miss being at my lowest weight so much.
Some times I wake in the middle of the night and I start crying because I miss my collar bones. I miss my protruding hip bones. I miss my poking ribs. I miss the huge gap between my thighs. I miss feeling dizzy. I miss the power and pride I used to feel, when I would eat between 0-500 calories. I miss being able to fit into kid's size 14 clothes. I miss it all so much. I used to weigh 93lbs. And I want it all again. I need to lose weight and be like that. I cannot stand being so heavy. It's so hard. I miss my bones.

October 1, 2014
I'm a Survivor. Recovery wasn't a choice I made in the past. It is a choice I constantly keep choosing. Every day is a struggle and I will keep fighting.
#Todayilovemyselfbecause I chose recovery and continue choosing it. I am a warrior and I will win.
To all those who are struggling, I love you all. ❤
Kill ana and Mia like a boss.

Today I Love Myself Because

All the pain and the truth, I wear like a battle wound.
So ashamed, so confused, I was broken and bruised. #todayilovemyselfbecause I'm a warrior. I've got thicker skin and I'm stronger than I've ever been.
#todayilovemyselfbecause I've decided that I am beautiful the way I am and I don't need to change for anything or anybody. ☺♥

#todayilovemyselfbecause I am so so fortunate to have such loving parents, sister, baby brother Ringo (my love, my dog!) , family, friends and all my supporters on instagram! I love each one of you so so much! And you guys are just amazing! ♥♥♥

#todayilovemyselfbecause of the way God has made me. I am starting to accept myself, my body. And I'm listening to my mama's words and really value them a lot, 'If you don't love yourself, you cannot love anybody else.' I will love. Myself and everyone else.

#todayilovemyselfbecause I'm learning to live a balanced life. I'm learning not to starve, binge, purge or over exercise. I am constantly reminding myself that I need to eat healthy, and also treat myself at times. Also I always keep in mind to exercise moderately.

#todayilovemyselfbecause  I controlled my anger and was very strong and held back my tears when my friend commented on me. He was commenting on how ugly I look and throwing popcorn at me and making fun of me in front of the entire class. Buy I told myself that he is just not worth my time, worth my energy.
I love running!!! I love yoga! Pre Ed I used to be always such a lively, bubbly, active girl. But after Ed took over my life, I turned into a lifeless soul. I was always so depressed during my ed years. But now that I am into recovery, I think I've improved quite a lot. I am slowly opening myself to the world and letting them know me better. I don't want to stay in this shell anymore. I will have the pre Ed girl I used to be, back! Its possible. I will be the girl who once could run 5 miles without any trouble. #recoveryispossible guys!!! #todayilovemyselfbecause I am finally wanting to come out of my shell and let people into my life.

todayilovemyselfbecause I have gained another 2 kilos. So I now stand at 48 kilos. Wow. I'm not really happy about it but I think I should be. My life shouldn't be focused on some shitty numbers on the scales. I love myself today because I've gained 2 kilos and this means that I am healthier. HEALTHY, this is all that matters, right? Hell yea. I am strong. And I will not count calories. I will count blessings, not calories.

#todayilovemyselfbecause I can dance. Haha. I know how random this is. But, yea. It feels so great that my body can do such amazing moves. I remember when I used to be so weak, food deprived, and I wouldn't even have the energy to talk to people, let alone dance. The only time I would dance, or more like, force myself was when I wanted to burn calories. Okay. Its scary.
But now, I have so much more energy. Energy= doing whatever I feel like = dance is love, dance is life.

Alright. So last night was one of my downs. I mean in life, if there are no ups and downs, you're basically just a dead person. Life is a long journey and petty things making one upset and crying over it, isn't really going to help. What helps is to reason things out. Connect the dots. Don't take everything so personally and hold grudges against people. So #todayilovemyselfbecause I am who I am. I am learning to be more reasonable, much more stronger. Need to live. Need to learn. Need to love.

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Boredom has dawned over me. I have nothing at all to do. The thing is, I have a lot to do. It's just that I don't want to do anything. I feel like Bruno Mars singing 'The lazy song.'
Today I don't feel like doing anything. I just wanna lay in my bed. But I do want to pick up my phone. Other than that, I don't want to do a thing. I honestly need to get a life. Maybe I'm just too attached to my phone. Need to get a grip. I want to go out somewhere. We have our holidays on. It's the 30th of September, 2014. There are twelve more days for school to reopen. So in these twelve days I wonder what I should do. I could.study, read books, blog and oh so much more. But there seems to be a lazy bug attacking me every time I sit to do something. I am so lethargic. I honestly don't know what's wrong with me. I think I talk too much over the phone. I really need to stop this addiction. I am going insane.
30th September, 2014.
Today morning at around 7:50 a.m. I was woken up by Mum. The first thing I do is check my phone for messages. Only to find none. So I sent out a message instead. Then I got ready and rushed to see my shrink. Her name is Nahid and she is such a beautiful person. I have sessions with a psychologist because I am an Anorexia warrior, fighting depression and anxiety. My appointment was at 8:30 a.m. Talking to her always makes me feel so good. I talked to her about my problems and she told me to see the world with a more positive attitude.
After coming back, my parents told me to eat breakfast but I wasn't at all hungry. So I told them that I wouldn't eat anything. I came to my room and started reading 'The Canterville Ghost' by Oscar Wilde. I kept my phone aside just so that I could give myself some time and not be anxiously waiting for someone to text or call me. That actually helped a lot.
So there are some kids who work so much at home. They help around at home with everything and yet, they never get the appreciation that they deserve. This upsets me so much. It surely does make them independent and strong, but they're human beings after all and hence, crave for some love, care and support.