The Girl in the Mirror

I am no Anne Frank, or any of those great authors, and I am very well aware of the fact that this is not a journal either. Right at this moment I have no clue what it is that I am writing. Well, my brain talks a lot, and by “lot”, I literally mean it, like a hell lot. So, it is best that I pen down these wonderful, at times extremely annoying conversations. By the way, I know that typing is not “penning down”, but that sounds way better than “typing.”

I have learnt a lot this year, turning fifteen. But I really do not think that I have learnt because of the age, but probably because of the lifestyle that I am living.

There is a figure looking at me in the mirror. She looks so very strikingly familiar, and she smiles whenever I smile. The girl in the mirror does whatever it is that I do. She is a reflection, my reflection. And what I see in my reflection is of a strong, independent, fierce, determined, young lady who is so proud of who she is. I do not need another living and respiring being to appreciate me for who I am. I do not need any body to tell me that I am beautiful. The opinion of a person who does not know my story, or doesn’t even try and understand the theme, drama and plot of my life, does not hold any amount of value to me. However, my opinion and believes are what matter, so the only person that I actually listen to is myself. From a very tender age, I have always believed in only myself and have been so extremely stubborn about whom I am and not changing decisions I once make my mind about them. Some people may consider this sheer foolishness, but I am glad that I only listen and adhere to the decisions that I take. Once I have made up my mind about some matter, no existing power can change my mind about it. There are times, when I very well knowingly make judgements which are not appropriate of the situation. And no, there is not a single second in my life that I regret on taking erroneous decisions; instead there is a fire so bright that starts inside of me every time I do something extremely horrible and get out of the mess that I created by myself. It is this fuel that is essential every once in my life to ignite all other activities that have I have been procrastinating for so long. Bad decisions are in reality the best things that happen to me every few months. It gets me to thinking about the things that is should actually be doing, and the girl that represents me in the mirror. 

Utter randomness

On some days, writing feels so easy and on days like today, I find myself craving to write but there is nothing but randomness in my head. 

So I'm just going to walk you through some of the events that have taken place in the past few days or events from a really very long time ago. My blog is like a diary, nobody quite reads it and somehow I feel extremely nostalgic about writing here, it feels like home. This year my blog has given me the warmth of a mother, patience of a lover, kindness of a friend and offered me protection of a father. This is the place where I can be myself and come to it whenever I feel like, it has never once rejected me.
So earlier tonight my sister, Polly, called me up and we talked. We didn't talk for a long time, barely even ten minutes, I suppose. She didn't seem like the old her; I mean okay, I get it, people change. But she is my sister and she just said that she did not want to come back to her hometown. That was major news and it hurt a teeny tiny bit to hear those words. I guess that is what happens when you move away from home. I know that she is in a whole new country and miles and miles away from home, but come on! For God's sake, it's HOME! How in this world does someone not want to come back home? I just hope that words as such about not wanting to go back home ever come out of me. It's a horrible thing to even imagine about.

A few nights ago, I had the most amazing dream of my life. My o my! I have never had a romantic dream in my entire life and the first one that I had was something so beautiful. Sigh! What an enthralling scene. I honestly wish I'd live through it. It was in some sort of a really big palace or a hotel, and all of my school friends were there, and there was some sort of a party. I was wearing a white dress, and it was a cold windy night with tigers, elephants, rhinos, deer and foxes strolling in absolute harmony just out front of the palace or whatever this mystery place was. There was this gorgeous boy and he held me by my waist and we made out and it was; okay that's pretty much it. I mean it is a dream. It's not like people actually remember dreams in details. Although I definitively wish I did remember just that one dream to actually reveal the mystery guy.

Ooh. I get so pissed when people pretend. So there is this girl Antara khaund, we used to be in the same school, same grade and same friend circle. Suddenly she changed schools and this year we met each other after a long time and she was this whole New girl. Long story short, we're not close anymore, we're not friends. She is so pretentious. So my guy Best friend, Shivam, he used to be friends with Antara as well. So today shivam texted Antara for some work, and this is how it went-

Shivam - Hey. We'll be going to Guwahati Comprehensive Cleft Care Centre tomorrow to meet Lismore at around 10. You said that you wanted to meet us, so I'm letting you know.

Antara - Hey Shubham. Its not possible that we meet tomorrow cause there is an important cabinet meeting at school. :/ BTW how do you know Lis?

Let's skip what other text messages took place after that, but let's just focus on "Hey Shubham!" SHUBHAM??! Honestly? SHUBHAM?!  I mean what kind of a pretentious little child are you? She's know SHIVAM, ever since kindergarten and a few days ago as well she texted him, and they're friends on Facebook as well. This is just heights of irritation. Some people need a reality check!

Damn. I got dark circles.

The picture is so not related 

Hilarious

Hahahaha. Hilarious how my life has become a joke very recently; people take me as a joke, I tend to take myself as a joke and life takes me as a joke as well. So I sit here alone in my room, it is very silent, most of the furniture is of a reddish hue, the roof made of Shillong pine, curtains of a pale yellow tone, and in all the room itself does not give off a vibrant range of colours to the person living in here. The room is so silent that one can hear her heart beat and when trying to sleep, the rhythmic beating of the heart, and the inhalation and exhalation of air becomes her very lullaby. And no, the walls to the room are not sound proof. So how does one access to complete dead quiet. Is it possible that I am a fifteen year old living all by me? Well, no, that is not the case here, although it does not quite make much of a difference, because it sure does feel like I am living in this big beautiful house which at times feels like a ghost manor, solely. I have a family, my mum and dad are busy at their jobs, so I mostly stay home alone, and even if they are home, they are usually wrapped up around in their own worlds or prefer to spend time with each other. My parents and I hardly ever “hang out” and talk at home, even at lunch time only a few words are exchanged. I usually skip on breakfast and dinner, or have these meals by myself, sitting on a six people dinner table, and five seats just blank seated only by air. Yes, my life gets a little alone and zombie like at times. But no, God no, I am not complaining, maybe it is just the perfect life for me or else I would have been writing about how my parents nag me most of my time and that they are always trying to take over my life. I thank the Super Natural that that is not the life I am living.

Besides being so utterly and immensely grateful of what God has provided me with, I however feel that certain people in my life do not love me, let alone love, even so like me back as much as I love them. And by love, no, I do not mean it like in a sexual or romantic manner, but in a friendly and family way. The people I have known ever since a very early age, it is so very hard to not love them and have them as friends forever more and after, or at the least till the time that we see each other every other day of our lives and cross each other’s paths. Maybe I have done some absolutely inane and maddening things but I never meant to hurt anybody’s feelings. If I could have, I would have done things differently but the fact is that I liked the way I did things, as because of the decisions that I took, or more likely we mutually took, joyous and wonderful memories have been created and I want to saviour them for a lifetime. Fights, quarrels, troubles and more of those rumble streets will be there no matter what, they are what gives us a reality check every once in a while, and these are essential and mandatory. But one shan’t let them in their way; I mean is this how strong our friendship is? So easy to break off? I personally thought that it was super glued till death do us apart or something? I will say that I am sorry a hundred million times and do whatever it takes to save what we have or “had” but I shall not see it fall apart in crumbles.

So you can “crop me out of the picture” if you’d like and not talk to me for months, but at the end of day I will say that I am sorry because I do not want to lose what we have.  

Hello There!

Oh how amazing it feels to be back on my blog again after a long, long time.  The last that I was here was 8^th of September, 2013, and now here it is 1^st October, still 2013 though. You know what the worst time of a fifteen year olds’ life is? Of course, you don’t, most of them adults think that it is all so very easy, unproblematic and painless compared to what they have going on in their lives. NO. Just NO, mid terms and finals exams are the worst times of a teenager’s existence. At least for me, it is.


And now you have the reason for my absence, I had my mid terms going on. I was so lost and buried deep under my books; I didn’t even have the time to so much as to “think” about any other activity rather than studying. I crammed for these mid terms all day and all night long. Today was the last paper for this term and it was “Math,” every student’s nightmare. Well, maybe not “every” student, but yes, for a lot of them. By the way I am describing Math, it is very presumable that it’s a living nightmare for me as well, but in factuality, it isn’t. However this year, my tenth grade mid term Math paper was indeed a nightmare I had to live through. It was a real nail biter. I worked my gut out for Math, for SIX whole entire days, all I did was practice Math. All I did think, see, do, write, eat, sleep, dream was Math, and today at 9:15 a.m. as I received the question paper in my hands, I jumped to start writing down the answers. I didn’t see left or right but dove into this deep dark watered pool of numbers. The dive I took was near to smooth, but as I reached into the pool and swam deeper, I was breathless and helpless. Time was running out and to complete my task of solving these numbers strewed all over the place here and there seemed much likely impossible. With time on its edge, I was suffocated, and nearly gave up; many times I even so let myself sink. However with some sort of life vest or encouragement of the other I was periodically being resuscitated. These aids helped me an immense lot, but the difficulties in my brain with momentary dyslexia and a faint heart, broke all spirits and determination and cast a shadow on the very bright pool.

But then again;
Once time is gone, there is no possible way of bringing it back all over again. There is no point of dwelling in the past. You do not get free re-dos in life. What one can do is to live in the present and prepare for the future.

Oh and well, as for now, BLOG how ever much I want to!          

The Assurance

In the blink of an eye, you end up doing the stupidest thing on this planet. It might not be stupid or ridiculous to all those gazillion other people, but to the people that this action was directed towards, it means everything.

I have been telling her that everything is going to be all good and well again; things will go back to being how they were before, and that everything that happens, happens for a reason. You are trying hard, really hard to keep yourself together, to keep your emotions bottled up and just keeping your calm. At the same time, you also have to be there for the other person, whose tears are your fault. She might have been reassuring you a thousand times that it wasn’t your fault, but deep down inside even you know that she holds you responsible for it. You tell her,

“Don’t cry because it is over, smile because it happened. Try to find happiness; you’ll find joy and bliss in the most unexpected things. Life is full options; there is no end to the list of things that you are good at. God always has a plan for everyone. Follow the teachings of Buddha. These are immaterial issues. Life has its way of going on. Today you are crying over spilled milk, tomorrow you will be reminiscing about what happened and laugh with the heartiest content. Anger is a disease, it controls you. Anger is an emotion related to one's psychological interpretation of having been offended, wronged, or denied and a tendency to react through retaliation. Just know that I am there for you no matter what. Stay strong and always try to find out the positiveness of it all even when all you can see is the negative. You are a magnet, and so far as yet you have been able to attract all the greater things in life, and you will continue to do so. You have hit a bump on the road, it is ‘you’ who will drive through it and get up on the highway all over again.”

Telling her all this, gives you some sort of a reassurance as well. But how far is too far? You are waiting and holding yourself to watch things revert back to normal, however this time it is taking an awful lot of time. The same episode has happened so many times before in the past, that it has become like a routine that occurs every once in a while. You are sitting here like the old times, except this time without any fear. It is just then, when you realize that a lot of time has passed since it all happened, and you start losing it. You break down, and you no longer know what it is that will happen. However there is still a little shade of that hope in a corner of your heart.

Just remember,           

“Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”

                                                            -George Bernard Shaw 

Lost

“Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing.”
-Sylvia Plath

Since the past two weeks I have been craving for some really nice freshly baked double choc cake with chocolate ganache and chocolate caramel filling baked by myself. Today, a fine Saturday morning, I wake up and make my mind, “Today is the day I treat myself to that cake I have been thinking about for oh so long.” Pushing past all my laziness and sluggishness, I finally managed to bake that cake. It didn’t take me all that long to bake it, but getting hold of all those ingredients and that “wait” while the batter was in the oven, was the most irritating part of it all. But after getting through the entire process, when I could finally sit down at the table, with a huge piece of that freshly baked hot double choc cake with chocolate ganache and chocolate caramel filling, and gobbling it all down spoon by spoon, my mouth full, my hunger for cake satisfied, it was the most gratifying moment in the recent few days. Nothing felt better than that feeling of being full. And then soon after, I sat down with the second piece of cake. However this time, when I was almost half done with that piece of cake, there came over a feeling of throwing up and disgust. I could no longer take more in. And it was then that I realized that the joy of getting what I wanted was nothing but all a momentary satisfactory.

                                                                                                           

An incident quite similar to this happened the very same day. It was during the evening that I found myself wanting everything, but even I did not know what this “everything” was. I found myself sitting on the edge of my bed, with a tall glass of mocha in my hand, and my brain so full of thoughts, it started to feel close to nothing. Suddenly I went numb and crazy. I began over thinking; however it felt as though only randomness. Scenes from my past started developing, I was travelling through time and reiterating to the old times, I started talking to people the way I used to talk to them possibly a year ago, and I was trying to be happy, but at the core something was ripping out my chest and it wanted to come out but it was trapped. I felt trapped. A part of me wanted every thing to be okay and fine, but the mess that I had got myself into was irrevocably impossible to dig out of. The pain started growing incredibly fast and nobody could solve this problem; because the problem did not seem to exist. All I wanted was everything, but “everything” had seemed to lose its definition.

A Single Split Second

In a single split second, one person can make two different decisions. A person as such is often said to have a very unstable and unsteady brain, and sometimes other people think of them as neurotically insane. I behave like that once in a while, or maybe even a lot more often than I notice, and people tend to judge and name tag me at the soonest time possible.

From a very long time, there might have been a steadfast direction that you were travelling on to get to the destination you wanted to. But once you are so close to reaching it, or maybe you already have reached it, it takes you only a single second to divert from that settled-safe path and take on another rocky-risk road or to revert back to the starting point. The reason we leave what we are about to accomplish is probably because the means to get to the final award or destination was a task too effortless, easy and unproblematic. People don’t say without a reason

“The award of hard work, determination and patience is always sweet.”

Once you reach the end of that easy path, and get to your accomplishment, you start realizing that it is not meant for you to have. And when you have something that is not actually your’s there is a feeling of suffocation, and that unfit piece sitting on the incomplete jigsaw. And what is it that you do, when the supply of oxygen has been cut at the place you’re in? Obviously, you take a step back from the finish line, and settle to travel back home where there is abundant supply of air and space for you.

However, if the road you had travelled on to get to the finish were to be rough, strenuous, and filled with obstacles, you’d happily accept whatever stood on the end of the finish line. That’s simply because of two reasons; one, because you’d already have lost a lot of blood and sweat to travel back up again and two, because the happiness of touching the finish line has clouded up your judgement.

But at the end of it all, what matters is what you decide and nothing else does.