Today I Love Myself Because

All the pain and the truth, I wear like a battle wound.
So ashamed, so confused, I was broken and bruised. #todayilovemyselfbecause I'm a warrior. I've got thicker skin and I'm stronger than I've ever been.
#todayilovemyselfbecause I've decided that I am beautiful the way I am and I don't need to change for anything or anybody. ☺♥

#todayilovemyselfbecause I am so so fortunate to have such loving parents, sister, baby brother Ringo (my love, my dog!) , family, friends and all my supporters on instagram! I love each one of you so so much! And you guys are just amazing! ♥♥♥

#todayilovemyselfbecause of the way God has made me. I am starting to accept myself, my body. And I'm listening to my mama's words and really value them a lot, 'If you don't love yourself, you cannot love anybody else.' I will love. Myself and everyone else.

#todayilovemyselfbecause I'm learning to live a balanced life. I'm learning not to starve, binge, purge or over exercise. I am constantly reminding myself that I need to eat healthy, and also treat myself at times. Also I always keep in mind to exercise moderately.

#todayilovemyselfbecause  I controlled my anger and was very strong and held back my tears when my friend commented on me. He was commenting on how ugly I look and throwing popcorn at me and making fun of me in front of the entire class. Buy I told myself that he is just not worth my time, worth my energy.
I love running!!! I love yoga! Pre Ed I used to be always such a lively, bubbly, active girl. But after Ed took over my life, I turned into a lifeless soul. I was always so depressed during my ed years. But now that I am into recovery, I think I've improved quite a lot. I am slowly opening myself to the world and letting them know me better. I don't want to stay in this shell anymore. I will have the pre Ed girl I used to be, back! Its possible. I will be the girl who once could run 5 miles without any trouble. #recoveryispossible guys!!! #todayilovemyselfbecause I am finally wanting to come out of my shell and let people into my life.

todayilovemyselfbecause I have gained another 2 kilos. So I now stand at 48 kilos. Wow. I'm not really happy about it but I think I should be. My life shouldn't be focused on some shitty numbers on the scales. I love myself today because I've gained 2 kilos and this means that I am healthier. HEALTHY, this is all that matters, right? Hell yea. I am strong. And I will not count calories. I will count blessings, not calories.

#todayilovemyselfbecause I can dance. Haha. I know how random this is. But, yea. It feels so great that my body can do such amazing moves. I remember when I used to be so weak, food deprived, and I wouldn't even have the energy to talk to people, let alone dance. The only time I would dance, or more like, force myself was when I wanted to burn calories. Okay. Its scary.
But now, I have so much more energy. Energy= doing whatever I feel like = dance is love, dance is life.

Alright. So last night was one of my downs. I mean in life, if there are no ups and downs, you're basically just a dead person. Life is a long journey and petty things making one upset and crying over it, isn't really going to help. What helps is to reason things out. Connect the dots. Don't take everything so personally and hold grudges against people. So #todayilovemyselfbecause I am who I am. I am learning to be more reasonable, much more stronger. Need to live. Need to learn. Need to love.

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Boredom has dawned over me. I have nothing at all to do. The thing is, I have a lot to do. It's just that I don't want to do anything. I feel like Bruno Mars singing 'The lazy song.'
Today I don't feel like doing anything. I just wanna lay in my bed. But I do want to pick up my phone. Other than that, I don't want to do a thing. I honestly need to get a life. Maybe I'm just too attached to my phone. Need to get a grip. I want to go out somewhere. We have our holidays on. It's the 30th of September, 2014. There are twelve more days for school to reopen. So in these twelve days I wonder what I should do. I could.study, read books, blog and oh so much more. But there seems to be a lazy bug attacking me every time I sit to do something. I am so lethargic. I honestly don't know what's wrong with me. I think I talk too much over the phone. I really need to stop this addiction. I am going insane.
30th September, 2014.
Today morning at around 7:50 a.m. I was woken up by Mum. The first thing I do is check my phone for messages. Only to find none. So I sent out a message instead. Then I got ready and rushed to see my shrink. Her name is Nahid and she is such a beautiful person. I have sessions with a psychologist because I am an Anorexia warrior, fighting depression and anxiety. My appointment was at 8:30 a.m. Talking to her always makes me feel so good. I talked to her about my problems and she told me to see the world with a more positive attitude.
After coming back, my parents told me to eat breakfast but I wasn't at all hungry. So I told them that I wouldn't eat anything. I came to my room and started reading 'The Canterville Ghost' by Oscar Wilde. I kept my phone aside just so that I could give myself some time and not be anxiously waiting for someone to text or call me. That actually helped a lot.
So there are some kids who work so much at home. They help around at home with everything and yet, they never get the appreciation that they deserve. This upsets me so much. It surely does make them independent and strong, but they're human beings after all and hence, crave for some love, care and support.

The Gift

25^th March, 1998, just a minute past twelve noon, and I was brought into this world by my mother. Often when we talk about birth, it is of much obviousness that only the mother receives the entire credit. Fully aware of the fact that it is the mother who plays the most important role of carrying the baby in her womb for nine months and bringing a new life into the planet, I however, would like to alter the above statement, “I was brought into this world by my mother and father.”

190 months-16 days, 137184 hours, 8231040 minutes, 493862400 seconds and counting, has been approximately the amount of time of my existence as of now. Each and every moment ever since I was born, there have been two individuals who I call Ma and Deta, have always been there for me, nurturing me, helping me, being there for better or for worse, making me a better-stronger person and doing oh so much more that whether the list was to be continued, I could never finish, and they still continue to do so. And as I am almost about to turn Sixteen, the understanding about the value and importance of family, my parents to be specific, has multiplied to a great extent. I have often seen children generally paying tributes to their parents only when one has lost them; according to me though, realizing the meaning and importance of someone only after they are no longer with you is in a way futile, because now the person being paid tribute to will never come to know about your extremely late realization and can no longer acknowledge you for your late love. So, instead of a late comprehension of what Ma and Deta mean to me, I would like to make you both aware of the big amount of space that you two have occupied in my left and right atrium and my left ventricle; apologies, but I needed the right ventricle for myself.

As William Shakespeare’s poem, ‘Seven Ages’, goes,
“All the world’s a stage,
And all the women and men merely players;
They have their exits and entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts.”
Ma-Deta, you both brought me into this platform and I am always hoping that this entrance of mine onto the stage was an enormous joy. From a mewling and puking baby, then the whining school-girl and now the often outspoken, misbehaved teenager, my parents have always guided me on living the right way, helped me face my troubles and conquer my problems, kept me far-far away from danger, and supported me with no expectation. All those sleepless nights that Ma-Deta spent for me, all because I cried all night long, the countless number of times that they had to clean up after my poop and puke and how they never once hesitated to get my dirt on their hands, breaking their backs carrying me around all day long because I cried my lungs out if I was left sitting, and just so many other situations as such they went through causing them utter pain and stress, but never asking back anything in return and having no regrets, is something that leaves my jaw dropped and awe-struck. This is what ‘love’ is, and the love of a parent can never be compared to any other love in this entire universe.

Ma-Deta, I also never fail to forget the ache and sorrow that I have given you with my numerous episodes of irresponsibleness, insincerity, and mischief, but please keep in mind that the things I did that caused you hurt were because of poor judgement taken by a growing teenager with sometimes irrational hormones and undeveloped frontal and pre-frontal lobes of my brain, which regulate impulse control and judgement. I am a human being and I am flawed from birth, but flaws and mistakes are what bring me a step closer to perfection. I am only in my third stage of life and I have yet another four stages to finally fulfil my purpose on Earth and make you proud. You both are my heroes, and I cannot ever see having anyone else as my heroes. For all that you both have done and continue to do for me; my love for you is irrevocable, unconditional, indispensable and undying.

“After all, when everything goes to hell, the people who stand by you without flinching – they are your parents.”

The NEHA Theory!

Aaahhhh!!! Wooooohoooo!!! Yayyyy!!! I love Caffeine! Absolutely and totally love-love-love caffeine!!
Yes! Yes! Yes! All this excitement, the sudden burst of energy, hahahaha, most definitely is the after-effects of caffeine. But, what the hell, right? I’m happy as a ____________, I have no idea what to fill that gap with, but I think I would like to go with, “I’m happy as a Neha.” That just made absolute no sense, whatsoever; there is no need to remind me of it. However, it could make some sort of sense, “Happy as a Neha.”
You know how I have ample of free time, and am eternally bored, so I looked up the meaning of “Neha” on urban dictionary. The results were so darn hilarious-

1.       “This person is really cool, intelligent, and nice. She cares for others and her younger siblings. Whenever you meet anyone named Neha, your life will definitely be improved.”

2.       “Otherwise known as the Hindu sex kitten, Neha, is an extremely beautiful, funny, smart, and wonderful person. She will usually been seen with a trail of hot men following her around.”

3.       “A beautiful girl with high intelligence. Usually out of league for many male species. The name is probably for a female of Asian ethnicity. Has large eyes and is untouchable.”

And OH MY GOD! There is a ‘Neha Theory’!!! Can you believe it? I have my own goddamn THEORY! All the more reasons to be super psyched! Let me tell you what The Neha Theory is about-

“It is the theory formulated by astronomer Nicolaus Copernicus, in which the Sun revolves around a relatively stationary Neha at the centre of the Solar System.”

Hah! The theory in some sort even relates to the kind of person I am. A lot of people are self obsessed and narcissistic, but most of them absolutely loathe it when other people comment on their self obsessed behaviour, they’re not quite open about a narcissist. In contrast, however, I don’t mind coming out and admitting that I am totally in love with myself. So I quite often say it out loud, “Yes! I am self obsessed and narcissistic. I love myself. I don’t care if somebody thinks that I am obnoxious for being happy with myself. I am simply appreciating the gift of life given to me by God himself.”

Therefore in conclusion, Nicolaus Copernicus receives a humongous salute and loads of love from me for naming his theory with perfection, which is The NEHA Theory!

Dire Winters

The last month of the year is here, December. For most people all around the world life is a box of chocolates this time of the year. Everyone is so worked up for Hanukah, Christmas and New Years. People love the winter cold, everybody seems to be enjoying a hot cup of coco, cuddled up in blankets, or enjoying the heat of the fire. There are so many other things that people seem to like about the winter; I don’t happen to mention a lot of those things that people seem to find so utterly amazing about the winter because I dread the winters, I happen to have a strong dislike for the cold December month. So here’s why I absolutely dread the winters.

1.     

1.      Gloom Doom
Winter is the ugliest season of all. It turns the entire place into such a dark mess. The once warm and sunny yard, turns into an arctic tundra. The wintertide covers our world in a blanket of white, but even the white seems so not peaceful somehow. And when lost in the darkness of the blizzard, a sole street light is your security guard. Two feet of snow, sleet and ice (for the parts of the planet where it snows), and cloudy and the frosty winds, all of it pretty much describes how the winter weather is a stinging, icy slap in our faces.

2.       Suit of Armour
A suit of armour might as well send out meanings as such as the suit of pride or bravery, but here the armour suit is really just used to describe the discomfort and the amount of covering up the suit does. When winter at its coldest, a warm, heavy coat is a suit of armour. You have to wear the big bulky coat or else you get attacked by the cold hearted winter. Not to mention, coats and the few extra layers of clothes that are so mandatory to put on because the Jack Frost is out there to attack us all, puts on a few extra pounds on us as well. You bloat up and the beautiful curves are sent straight into the dark.

3.       Goodbye Summer Dresses
For those of you who have watched ‘How I met your Mother’, you people definitely know what “Goodbye Summer Dresses” mean. Summer Dresses are flirty, cute, sexy, unveils your curves and well it describes summer, that is, hot! But as soon as the winter sets in, you can kiss away goodbye to the short, chic dresses and get ready for the covered from head to toe, in boots to beanies attire to arrive.

4.       The Polar Bear effect
The Polar Bear effect would relate to the fact that all one wants to do is sleep, that is go into hibernation. Yes, it is true that only pregnant polar bears hibernate, but then again come on, how lame would the “The Pregnant Polar Bear effect” sound? Some sort of activity is required by the body; I mean “Let’s burn some calories people!” There is nothing that beats fun in the Sun.

5.      Look what just flew in? The Flu.
“Hey I’m down with flu.”
Is it really so? Do you have a runny nose, continuous sneezing, a scratchy throat, and coughing a little more? Yes, you are? No honey that is not the flu. Every little symptom seems to point out towards the flu. It is this time of the year when people are just generally suffering from a minor cold and cough and yet they insist that they have the flu. Hey Drama Lil Mama, enough with the “I have the flu” already. 

SUMMERS PLEASE COME BACK! I MISS YOU TERRIBLY!

Confused Teenager

“From time to time, I simply sit on the edge of my bed with a pen in hand, opened blank pages of an old diary and my eyes glaring at the virgin ruled pages. Truth be told, situations like this I find myself in not only “sometimes” but only most of my time.

2^nd November, 2013, it is Diwali here in India and people are in the festival mood. 1.237 billion People in this country and each and every one of them is celebrating the occasion full on, except for three people. These three people would be me, my mother and my dad. Diwali is everybody else’s home is celebrated in full swing; bursting firecrackers, delicious and awesome food being made, people getting each other gifts and so much more. It is bling-bling all over the country. 

I am a fifteen year old and here I am writing, bored out of my mind. At present, I am not my parents’ favourite person. My sister is away in college, and I am pretty lonely. It is Diwali, and I have nobody to talk to, no firecrackers to burst, no good food to eat except for the take out from Naga Kitchen, which by the way was so freaking delicious. But come on! My parents are supposed to be cooking me something thoroughly scrumptious. Instead of enjoying myself “Diwali-Style”, I watched ‘Castle.’ Castle is an amazing television series, but at times I want to be a part of the celebrations as well. 

I am so alone. My parents are engrossed in their own worlds and I can bet you a million dollars that they wouldn’t even notice for a day if I wasn’t at home. I am a living zombie. I am so deserted, that most of the time I talk to myself. Every five seconds I open up Facebook, to look at updates by “other people”, posts and pictures by these really amazingly funny pages. This is how creepy, destitute, lame and jobless I am, that I have to live off on other people’s stories, with the obvious cause being that I have no life of my own, or plainly because my life is too dull and monotonous.

Sincerely,
The loneliest kid on Planet Earth. “

Just so to let you know, the above had been written a long time back.
I am a teenager, I am confused, and my hormones are crazy! But no! I am the happiest kid on this world! Who am I kidding? I love my life. I am freaking amazing.

The Face of Earth

Hello People! Alright, I am very well aware of the fact that there are actually no “People” reading. But just in case I am lucky, “Hello!”
It’s been quite some time that I have posted. Maybe not that long a time, but I want to write everyday, only to find myself in complete misery. The misery being that I can only come up with blank white pages. How pathetic! But, I have made up my mind, that today I will blog like today is the last day of my existence, and that nobody is watching me, not that people actually do watch me.

Every person in this Earth is so different. The variations and differences in each and every one of us are so remarkable. No two people in this world are alike. Not even in the matter of twins, because fingerprints of no two persons are the same. How extraordinary is that! I very well understand that discrepancies among people are very much obligatory, or else there would be no such thing as identity. And besides, what is the amusement in having a planet full of indistinguishable-dead ringer-carbon copied-tantamount populace. What’s spellbinding is the diversity of the human race! The creator or energy or whatever is it that brought this world into presence has spawned something so marvellously mind boggling. The human race is so intriguing.

7.046 BILLION People on Earth and yet no two living people share a spitting image. Let us not consider physical appearances for once, and yet there are no such two persons who share explicitly self same behaviour or demeanour. 

People are fat-thin, short-tall, dark-fair, etcetera-etcetera, if one considers just physical appearance. Then again there are the disparities on the field of one’s nature-

• ·         The lonely flower blooming in the middle of the Prairie (introvert, shy, quiet)
• ·         The pig in purgatory (noisy, talk too much, extrovert)
• ·         Deceitful Bernie Madoff (fake, backstabbing)
• ·         The coward ghost (faint at heart, scared)
• ·         The optimist
• ·         The pessimist
• ·         The opportunist

These are the only few types of people that one comes across. There are people with a mixture of the above qualities. I haven’t personally met each and every person on Earth, and I do not think that is even remotely people. But every chance that I get, I try and make new friends and know more about them and the people around them.
Life is a journey, and by far I am in love with this crazy, maddening, saddening, delighting, magical road trip that I am on.