The Assurance

In the blink of an eye, you end up doing the stupidest thing on this planet. It might not be stupid or ridiculous to all those gazillion other people, but to the people that this action was directed towards, it means everything.

I have been telling her that everything is going to be all good and well again; things will go back to being how they were before, and that everything that happens, happens for a reason. You are trying hard, really hard to keep yourself together, to keep your emotions bottled up and just keeping your calm. At the same time, you also have to be there for the other person, whose tears are your fault. She might have been reassuring you a thousand times that it wasn’t your fault, but deep down inside even you know that she holds you responsible for it. You tell her,

“Don’t cry because it is over, smile because it happened. Try to find happiness; you’ll find joy and bliss in the most unexpected things. Life is full options; there is no end to the list of things that you are good at. God always has a plan for everyone. Follow the teachings of Buddha. These are immaterial issues. Life has its way of going on. Today you are crying over spilled milk, tomorrow you will be reminiscing about what happened and laugh with the heartiest content. Anger is a disease, it controls you. Anger is an emotion related to one's psychological interpretation of having been offended, wronged, or denied and a tendency to react through retaliation. Just know that I am there for you no matter what. Stay strong and always try to find out the positiveness of it all even when all you can see is the negative. You are a magnet, and so far as yet you have been able to attract all the greater things in life, and you will continue to do so. You have hit a bump on the road, it is ‘you’ who will drive through it and get up on the highway all over again.”

Telling her all this, gives you some sort of a reassurance as well. But how far is too far? You are waiting and holding yourself to watch things revert back to normal, however this time it is taking an awful lot of time. The same episode has happened so many times before in the past, that it has become like a routine that occurs every once in a while. You are sitting here like the old times, except this time without any fear. It is just then, when you realize that a lot of time has passed since it all happened, and you start losing it. You break down, and you no longer know what it is that will happen. However there is still a little shade of that hope in a corner of your heart.

Just remember,           

“Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”

                                                            -George Bernard Shaw 

Lost

“Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing.”
-Sylvia Plath

Since the past two weeks I have been craving for some really nice freshly baked double choc cake with chocolate ganache and chocolate caramel filling baked by myself. Today, a fine Saturday morning, I wake up and make my mind, “Today is the day I treat myself to that cake I have been thinking about for oh so long.” Pushing past all my laziness and sluggishness, I finally managed to bake that cake. It didn’t take me all that long to bake it, but getting hold of all those ingredients and that “wait” while the batter was in the oven, was the most irritating part of it all. But after getting through the entire process, when I could finally sit down at the table, with a huge piece of that freshly baked hot double choc cake with chocolate ganache and chocolate caramel filling, and gobbling it all down spoon by spoon, my mouth full, my hunger for cake satisfied, it was the most gratifying moment in the recent few days. Nothing felt better than that feeling of being full. And then soon after, I sat down with the second piece of cake. However this time, when I was almost half done with that piece of cake, there came over a feeling of throwing up and disgust. I could no longer take more in. And it was then that I realized that the joy of getting what I wanted was nothing but all a momentary satisfactory.

                                                                                                           

An incident quite similar to this happened the very same day. It was during the evening that I found myself wanting everything, but even I did not know what this “everything” was. I found myself sitting on the edge of my bed, with a tall glass of mocha in my hand, and my brain so full of thoughts, it started to feel close to nothing. Suddenly I went numb and crazy. I began over thinking; however it felt as though only randomness. Scenes from my past started developing, I was travelling through time and reiterating to the old times, I started talking to people the way I used to talk to them possibly a year ago, and I was trying to be happy, but at the core something was ripping out my chest and it wanted to come out but it was trapped. I felt trapped. A part of me wanted every thing to be okay and fine, but the mess that I had got myself into was irrevocably impossible to dig out of. The pain started growing incredibly fast and nobody could solve this problem; because the problem did not seem to exist. All I wanted was everything, but “everything” had seemed to lose its definition.

A Single Split Second

In a single split second, one person can make two different decisions. A person as such is often said to have a very unstable and unsteady brain, and sometimes other people think of them as neurotically insane. I behave like that once in a while, or maybe even a lot more often than I notice, and people tend to judge and name tag me at the soonest time possible.

From a very long time, there might have been a steadfast direction that you were travelling on to get to the destination you wanted to. But once you are so close to reaching it, or maybe you already have reached it, it takes you only a single second to divert from that settled-safe path and take on another rocky-risk road or to revert back to the starting point. The reason we leave what we are about to accomplish is probably because the means to get to the final award or destination was a task too effortless, easy and unproblematic. People don’t say without a reason

“The award of hard work, determination and patience is always sweet.”

Once you reach the end of that easy path, and get to your accomplishment, you start realizing that it is not meant for you to have. And when you have something that is not actually your’s there is a feeling of suffocation, and that unfit piece sitting on the incomplete jigsaw. And what is it that you do, when the supply of oxygen has been cut at the place you’re in? Obviously, you take a step back from the finish line, and settle to travel back home where there is abundant supply of air and space for you.

However, if the road you had travelled on to get to the finish were to be rough, strenuous, and filled with obstacles, you’d happily accept whatever stood on the end of the finish line. That’s simply because of two reasons; one, because you’d already have lost a lot of blood and sweat to travel back up again and two, because the happiness of touching the finish line has clouded up your judgement.

But at the end of it all, what matters is what you decide and nothing else does.