Lost

“Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing.”
-Sylvia Plath

Since the past two weeks I have been craving for some really nice freshly baked double choc cake with chocolate ganache and chocolate caramel filling baked by myself. Today, a fine Saturday morning, I wake up and make my mind, “Today is the day I treat myself to that cake I have been thinking about for oh so long.” Pushing past all my laziness and sluggishness, I finally managed to bake that cake. It didn’t take me all that long to bake it, but getting hold of all those ingredients and that “wait” while the batter was in the oven, was the most irritating part of it all. But after getting through the entire process, when I could finally sit down at the table, with a huge piece of that freshly baked hot double choc cake with chocolate ganache and chocolate caramel filling, and gobbling it all down spoon by spoon, my mouth full, my hunger for cake satisfied, it was the most gratifying moment in the recent few days. Nothing felt better than that feeling of being full. And then soon after, I sat down with the second piece of cake. However this time, when I was almost half done with that piece of cake, there came over a feeling of throwing up and disgust. I could no longer take more in. And it was then that I realized that the joy of getting what I wanted was nothing but all a momentary satisfactory.

                                                                                                           

An incident quite similar to this happened the very same day. It was during the evening that I found myself wanting everything, but even I did not know what this “everything” was. I found myself sitting on the edge of my bed, with a tall glass of mocha in my hand, and my brain so full of thoughts, it started to feel close to nothing. Suddenly I went numb and crazy. I began over thinking; however it felt as though only randomness. Scenes from my past started developing, I was travelling through time and reiterating to the old times, I started talking to people the way I used to talk to them possibly a year ago, and I was trying to be happy, but at the core something was ripping out my chest and it wanted to come out but it was trapped. I felt trapped. A part of me wanted every thing to be okay and fine, but the mess that I had got myself into was irrevocably impossible to dig out of. The pain started growing incredibly fast and nobody could solve this problem; because the problem did not seem to exist. All I wanted was everything, but “everything” had seemed to lose its definition.

A Single Split Second

In a single split second, one person can make two different decisions. A person as such is often said to have a very unstable and unsteady brain, and sometimes other people think of them as neurotically insane. I behave like that once in a while, or maybe even a lot more often than I notice, and people tend to judge and name tag me at the soonest time possible.

From a very long time, there might have been a steadfast direction that you were travelling on to get to the destination you wanted to. But once you are so close to reaching it, or maybe you already have reached it, it takes you only a single second to divert from that settled-safe path and take on another rocky-risk road or to revert back to the starting point. The reason we leave what we are about to accomplish is probably because the means to get to the final award or destination was a task too effortless, easy and unproblematic. People don’t say without a reason

“The award of hard work, determination and patience is always sweet.”

Once you reach the end of that easy path, and get to your accomplishment, you start realizing that it is not meant for you to have. And when you have something that is not actually your’s there is a feeling of suffocation, and that unfit piece sitting on the incomplete jigsaw. And what is it that you do, when the supply of oxygen has been cut at the place you’re in? Obviously, you take a step back from the finish line, and settle to travel back home where there is abundant supply of air and space for you.

However, if the road you had travelled on to get to the finish were to be rough, strenuous, and filled with obstacles, you’d happily accept whatever stood on the end of the finish line. That’s simply because of two reasons; one, because you’d already have lost a lot of blood and sweat to travel back up again and two, because the happiness of touching the finish line has clouded up your judgement.

But at the end of it all, what matters is what you decide and nothing else does. 

Broken Dreams

Clueless to the core, pressure closing in, but does a fifteen year old’s worries mean anything to anybody? It hardly holds any value of some kind.
“Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood.”

 William Shakespeare and his word play, it touches me so deep down. People normally come to certain points in their lives when they have to choose between the one and the other. But here I am, wanting to choose, but there is nothing to choose from. Or maybe in reality, there are just so many endless opportunities, that my mind, heart and soul are incapable of narrowing those chances and choices to just two limited ones. Very recently, my ways of living have been extremely simple and meaningless. Feelings of such have dawned that there is no more purpose of my living. In the mean time, I also know that I have much more in life that I want to do. Examples of such things I would be bowled over to mention, but I am scared of ending up with broken dreams, “Dreams turning into nightmares.”

“Find your dream catcher”
As Indian legend goes, the Dream Catcher is hung in the lodge near the sleeping area. Its purpose is to catch all dreams, good or bad. The bad dreams caught in the webbing would be burned off by the first morning light. The good dreams caught know their way to the hole in the center and filter down into the feathers. They are held there to be dreamed another night.
It was in Old Town Scottsdale, Arizona, at a store that I came across these beautiful dream catchers and was wooed by the concept of it. I have history of having nightmares and screaming in the middle of the night waking up everybody in the household. With some hopes of it working, I purchased one. Well, it’s been almost two weeks now that it’s been hanging on the lodge. And I do not remember encountering any series of nightmares; however I still do not come to believe that dream catchers actually work.

If related to my fear of broken dreams, I need to find a dream catcher of my life. I may not be correct, but the only dream catcher that works is ‘The Circle of Life.’

“You reap what you sow.”

Another year

“Sixteen”
Yet just another two digit number, isn’t it? But sometimes even a number can mean so much. The number sixteen can make just so much sense; it could be somebody’s favourite number, a date, a means to math, the denotation of a person’s age and oh so much more. “Sixteen” here is however related to age, your age. Each year you turn a year older. So what is it that is so special about turning sixteen? In reality, there is nothing at all out of the ordinary. It is just for the glitz and the glamour that the phrase, “Sweet Sixteen,” has been introduced. After all age is just a number. The human body matures and grows almost every day, but I suppose that everybody deserves and wants to feel extra important and special at least one day. And hence, the concept of birthdays has been established. You were seven and then today you’re sixteen. Though no great honours have possibly come your way, these are some of the loveliest years you have spent during your youth. People say you are young only once. This however also depends on what you believe in. If you’re a hardcore believer in the fact that age is about the state of your body more than the state of mind, then believe me buddy, you’re going to have a hard time remaining forever young. However if you are to believe; I am a child once, but my immaturity can go on forever after; I can assure you that you will remain young at heart for years thereafter.
5^th August, 1997, you have come a long way. From being a mewling and puking infant, to a little boy with the little school bag, and now to being a lover and a young lad, it could be stated that you’re in your third stage of life. As William Shakespeare’s poem goes,
“All the world’s a stage,
And all the women and men merely players;
They have their exits and entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts.”

So far as yet, you have played your role in this platform very well. Your entrance into the stage was an enormous joy and your performance as of now, has received so much applause and appreciation. As you are living through this third stage, you will experience so much. Staring from love to hate, joy to sorrow, excitement to boredom, anger and calm, betrayal and loyalty, friendship to enmity and so many other emotional and physical experiences you will encounter. Also remember, do not just carry the happy and blissful memories along with you; carry the erroneous ones with you as well. You learn from your mistakes. The human being is flawed from birth, but flaws and mistakes are what bring you a step closer to perfection. Of course, it is not expected that you become perfect and faultless right now. After all, you have four more stages to finally fulfil your purpose on Earth.
There are a few words by Jesus which have inspired me so much. I know that as you are reading this letter, those twenty two words would hardly affect or matter to you. But when the time comes and you really want to understand and acquire what the words mean, it comes to you very easily. All you have to do is look deep down.
“Give, and it will be given to you… for by your standard of measure it will be measured to you in return.”

April, 2004, it was the first time that we met. As already mentioned, in life you come across a lot, you can easily identify this in our lives, our friendship. During our years of friendship, we have experienced relationships and situations of so many different kinds. We started out as acquaintances, and then being enemies, and the time you were in love with me, me hating you, we becoming enemies again, entering brotherhood and sisterhood, and then we becoming friends. The summer of 2007, our ship sailed to take on the voyage of friendship and till date it hasn’t returned. Normally people would say, “I hope it doesn’t even return.” But I know, deep down inside that this ship has sailed so far away that it cannot find its way back to a land of hatred and animosity. So with abundant confidence, I can say, “Oh! That boy and I have been on a voyage ever since grade seven, we are not ever returning.” Our friendship is the result of the law of attraction.

The Law of Attraction-
It is a very simple law; you don’t need to be a rocket scientist to know the law of attraction. The law of attraction is the law of love, and it is the all-powerful law that keeps everything in harmony, from countless galaxies to atoms. It is operating in everything and through everything in the universe. In simpler terms, positive doings reap a positive receive and the same law can be applied to negative doings. Whatever it is that you give out, be it words or actions, you attract it back to yourself.
It is a probability that I have given out something positive to have some one like you attract back to me.
And yes! This is what Isaac Newton’s law is all about; it is that easy, of course without all the technical terms.
“To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.”

I have told you this before, and I am telling you this again today.
“I get mad at the people I love the most.”

You might some times wonder that if I am screaming and shouting at you all the time, how is it that I am your friend. Some time in the day, you might as well come to think that may be I just pretend to be your friend. But that is just wrong. I get mad and sick and irritated of you, but then again I love and cherish and save each and every memory of ours together. You are like a little child who can bug anybody anywhere anytime anyhow and at the same time, people just find you absolutely adorable. Well even if not ‘people,’ at least I do. So do not doubt the friendship that we have.
Heed to William Shakespeare’s words,
“Our doubts are traitors and make us leave the good we oft might win.”

I understand that it is a fairly long letter for a person who is not very fond of reading, but to express is magic, to comprehend is delight. Who knows, maybe you won’t even read all the 1167 words here. But to reach you with these words has been an absolute elation.

“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”

Oh and before it is too late,
Happy Birthday love.
You’re a stud, you’re my Superman, and you are my T-shiv.

                                                                                                          -Your’s forever and always
                                                                                                                                     Love, T-san

The Doting Lovers

Time flies by in a shutter of the eye,
Burned and cut would be thou with a goodbye.
The distance within in a span,
Life and skin grow blanch.
Naught you bid adieu,
Worlds shalt shatter and turn blue.
Might art be both stale,
Go out there and brew a gale.
Spirits must you keep on cloud nine,
Off you go at night as the two wine and dine.
Look up to the sky,
Thou shalt not let colloquy dry.
Run now to the open meadows,
Left behind shall be your shadows.
Sun must shine warm upon your faces,
Raining might be softly on your traces.
Durst not between any other lady or lad,
Hold each other and be glad.
Cherish and treasure the good,
Vile and cruel be left a mood.
For as long as you have the other,
Devotion shall look up to you prouder.

 Shivam Pradhan and Sharon Chongoloi, you two have something great. Hold and heed. 

Aimer y ser Aimado

She hides things from him.
He doesn’t like the fact that he has to force her to spill out the secrets churning and turning inside of her. He without any doubts obviously does not appreciate himself for doing so.

But the things that she hid from him weren’t at all any dirty secrets; dirty secrets which would include her cheating on him or flirting with other lads. The relationship that the two have is their’s, and I am not one to comment on it. However from my experience, the sharing of your friends’ secrets is not highly a necessity. It is only right that both of them get their own space and not delve too much into each other’s business, so as long as the matter does not include either of them. There are certain things about one’s friends and family, which might be little too clandestine, and are difficult to share with a partner without a legitimate bond.

Her brother and one of her, as well his, friends are together, like in a relationship. She knew it ever since they started going out and never did she once tell him about it. He came to know about this through one of his friends. He thinks that she didn’t bother to tell him about it because she doesn’t care enough for him to let him know all that goes on with her brother’s and friend’s life.

If he did come to know about it, why doesn’t he ask her about it very directly? Is he absolutely certain and positive that she knows about it, I questioned him. He says that she is familiar about it without any doubt because she keeps on dropping hints about the matter here and there. However, the moment he is close enough to bring out the matter to open fields, she changes the subject, hence playing the game with sheer cleverness.

He conversely has a very bad habit of flirting with other females. He says that he wouldn’t call all those cheesy sleazy conversations flirting but being over polite and over friendly with them.

That is wrong on so many levels. She has been just hiding phrases of her family’s and friends’ life, whereas he is being, in his words, “over polite” with them. If he had been my boyfriend and I unearth all that has been going on in the woods, I would’ve kicked him outright to the gutters.

So he laughs at it off, and says that he tries to control. He doesn’t know why but his love for her is slowly fading away and he however does not wish that happens.

Don’t just control, ignore. Don’t you break up with her, promise me? You have somebody as of now to tell her that you love her. You have someone who will tell you that she loves you. You have somebody to express your emotions and tell her silly little romantic lines. She will tell you that she loves you without any reason. Late at night, when you cannot sleep and you are wide awake, you will have somebody to think about and imagine little romantic episodes which might not ever even happen. When you’re lonely and could use a few words of love and comfort, you have someone to call up and tell her how much you love and miss her, and I guarantee you, that you hear it back as well. Do not miss out on all of this.

I may not quite be in line with these thoughts, but you should be. I do not quite understand the whole concept of being in love and wanting someone so badly you are ready to cringe and cry just thinking about him or her. However, I do miss the person I hear words of love and kindness whenever I want to, and all of a sudden I feel lost and deserted. Then again, I remind myself that this is who I am; not wanting to be in love. I am pretty sure it is because I didn’t’ give love a chance, didn’t try to be in love or even so stay in love.

But you are in love, and you should respect that. You should carry it with you. 

Ruled.

Hey. 

 What?

I need you to call me.
And why is that?
I just need you to.
Well I can’t, I am busy.
Well alright then, I thought I would give you a piece of my mind.
Oh whatever!

You know what? What the hell? I am done being good to you. I highly recommend you get acquainted with the term “friend.”The definition that you use for a friend is something so extremely different in so many levels. For you a friend is someone who gabs, chats and babbles to you all day long. But trust me my darling; you are not going to be befriending a mate as such in any time now or even possibly ever. You consider yourself a being so irresistible, appealing and enticing, but truth be told, you are nothing but a worthless bauble who don’t mean a dime to me or to anybody else. Actually, I am willing to be a bit harsher as of now, “You are nothing but a piece of poop.” Please feel free to feel like crap. Expecting me to become instant chums and sharing everything that goes in “my” life with you is a sect of your delusional imagination.  Put all believes in me and know that those imaginations are never coming to reality. You must as well know the reason to why you and I cannot be friends, it is very bitterly because you are not a friend I’d like to treasure and cherish, you’re not someone I can confide in. Talking to you one night with utter friendliness does not make us bosom buddies.

What?

You were pleased and content to be in Sarla Birla Gyan Jyoti (SBGJ), right? I suppose you should go back there again. Do tell your parents to admit you back to SBGJ; nobody’s keeping you tied down here anyway.

Yo chill!

I don’t need any freaking advice from somebody who hates me for not talking to him “all day long.” Reality check babe, I have much better things to do, rather than talking to you all day long.

What the hell? I don’t want you to talk to me all day long.

 You say that you don’t want me to talk to you all day long. Sure, that most definitely explains the bazillion missed calls and messages from you on my phone, the trillion texts on Whatsapp. In order to get rid of those infinite text messages I had to block you on Whatsapp, and as well as put your calls on forward so as I could live in peace.

Okay, fine. I will live a boring life from now on.
I won’t disturb you.

Bye Sanjukta.

Stop being a mother fucking pussy and grow up. I literally mean it. Grow up and face the rejections in life.